can hear the fireworks even from here. my ears are ringing.

walked through the park earlier and saw a swallow that had something caught around one of it's feet. it worried me, but there was nothing I could do short of trying to catch him... futile, but still. I smelled all the flowers on the way back because I wanted to find joy in something and managed to fail miserably. Ok that's a bit of a lie, because the flowers and the birds are so fucking innocent one can't help feeling a little joy out of it, especially that robin who'd found a nicely turned plot to listen for worms in, but then I'd turn back to j and something else negative would fall out of his mouth: about the economy or the state of something. apparently everyone's an idiot and everything is going to shit. so many wired and wide-eyed kids downtown, drunk teenagers and people high on life. I sat on the curb while j went to go pee and felt so alone even as swarms of people moved around me. A girl with a glass globe rolling over her hands and arms, people selling glo-sticks, people wearing flags and weird red and white getups, a girl who had painted herself red from head to toe...

came home before the fireworks because we were cold.