How can a writer explain to a non-writer how important a character can become? Or a project, or the need to write? How can you explain the significance of allowing someone else to read something you've written, when you've shown it to no one else? What do you do when the significance is obviously lost on said someone else?

there comes the infinate greys of dusk and dawn....

...and from that a series of random lines before I dropped off to sleep last night. Of course, scribbled in the dark so as to not wake up the lump on the other side of the bed. (Made for some interesting translation this am, I must say) I wonder if he'd even notice if I switched on the light - but I know that if I did try it, that would be the one night he'd be unable to sleep and it would diturb him, make him cranky.

What I want to know is why I feel cranky. It doesn't just depend on the day, either. I have ups and downs nearly every day now. Something will make me feel just pissed off for no real reason. Tonight it was because it was my turn to do the dishes. (Logically, my brain is telling me that 'so what? It's just a few dishes, shut up and wash em' while the rest of me is rebelling against it as if I was six years old and told to abandon my games for the dreaded chores, you know, that pre-tantrum feeling.) Yesterday, it was because I waited for half an hour for J to pick me up after my interview and he didn't show - not that it was entirely his fault, he did say he'd try to be there because he was on his way to the doctors and I know I should have just come on home when I saw he wasn't there instead of waiting in the rain in my uncomfortable heels. When I got home I was bent but there was no clear focus, just a general grrr. (I suppose because I'm still used to people not making arrangements like that without following through. There was so little in the way of "if" or "maybe" type arrangements when I was growing up that I don't know how to react when someone uses that with me now. Even after four years with J I still can't seem to handle it - so I waited for half an hour to make sure that he wasn't going to come so he'd not show up and freak out that I wasn't there - even though he probably wouldn't have freaked out, just gone home.)

Why? What is so terribly wrong in my life that I blow up or "look pissy" at random times during the day? Why do I find it irritating that so little in the house gets done - even though I know both of us work and neither of us really feels like scrubbing anything let alone picking up a stray sock or bit of garbage so that by the end of the week it looks like we're complete slobs? (ok, we are then, so shoot us) And yet why do I have to wait until I get irritated to do something about it? Why do things irritate me so much? There are moments at work where I have to sign out and go and sit in a bathroom stall just to calm myself because someone I've spoken to was just so irritatingly, stunningly ignorant or abrasive.

What happened to my ability to just let crap like that just roll off me like water off feathers? It's not gone, just more elusive than it has been in the past.

Perhaps it's the fact that I don't feel like I have control over anything. Not me, not my bills, not where I'm going in the next few years. Every time I suggest or think about something I might like to do I feel like I get shot down by something or someone. I procrastinate until I have a huge pile of things to do and end up making myself sick. Things I want to do get shoved to the back burner by things I have to do in order to survive. Haven't found much of a balance, have I? I think I have to figure out how to get that little spot I keep dreaming of, where I can sit quietly and scribble with my music on for an hour or so every day, uninterrupted (bliss). This might require headphones or something *sigh* because there is no such spot in this house. I have to figure out a system for getting my bills organised so that I can feel like I'm staying on top of them. I have to find a job that's not going to suck my soul dry etc etc etc - before my brain implodes.

Oh yeah... did I mention that the poems I submitted way back when didn't make it into the mag? Even though I expected it... meh. I'm not really a poet anyway. I don't think I've written more than six pages worth in the last six months, which, if I was serious about it would be unthinkable. Good thing I have Arika and co to keep me occupied. Speaking of which, pehaps I will distract myself with them for a while after my obsessive list making and compulsive bitching.

My apologies, I'm posting this just the way it is because it's my blog dammit.

on my winamp: Kuba - Serious Bug Situation

Well, it looks like the writer of SeaQuest wasn't too far off when he wrote in Darwin as a trained member of the ship's crew. It looks like the US Navy's been working with Dolphins for some time now. Only problem is, they seem to be armed and missing Funny!

Work, as usual, sucked goat. I slogged through the calls though and J picked me up after work at HR where I went to point out the fact that they'd forgotten to pay me my stat pay. That's 80 bucks I could be using to buy cat food with right now. Dumbasses. I also had a rush of mumblers and yellers on my line today, which was slightly obnoxious, but thankfully most of those were fairly simple requests. I do, however feel sorry for the lady who just moved only to discover that there was only one cell tower within 25 miles of her house. Only. One.

At the bus stop this dark am I had a brilliant idea about my story. I was trying to figure out a way for Marlon to get into the estate - or to get some information about Gage that wouldn't be readily available (and I was thinking along the lines of hiring a hacker... but wasn't too pleased with that at that moment in the story)... but then I remembered a fragment I'd written eons ago (the version I have on disk is from 2000, but the pen and ink version(s) were earlier than that) that could act as the perfect bridge between what I had and what I wanted to happen. Of course it adds three more characters, but I'm sure I could alter that to fit my needs nicely. So I sat on the bus bench and scribbled by the light of the Fido ad for a good twenty minutes before the bus came and I had to put my book away.

I sat with a wierdo on the bus. The less said about that guy, probably the better - but I will say that he needs his head examined.

Mom's coming to visit on the first, which I will enjoy since I've not seen the mother-unit in.... a month or so. Wow. Apparently she's been having fun at work being the "shot messenger". Took me a minute to get what she meant by that. LOL.

J's still under the weather. Still don't quite know what's wrong with him since all the tests that the doctor ran came back normal, but I have the distinct impression that it has something to do with the levels of stress the poor man's had in his life in the last six months. Namely: Idiotstick, the kid maybe coming to stay which would mean moving and enrolling in school adn all that kind of crap and I'm probably no help, being the basket case I've been in the last few weeks. He's going to try and come to work with me tomorrow. I hope he makes it!

Not much else to report atm... Think I'm going to go blurk for a bit and then perhaps Alias or Anime or Arika... we shall see.

Cheers

on my winamp: Baltimora - Tarzan Boy

If you had to choose, would it be the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Invisible Pink Unicorn? Mwahaha. I laughed till I cried over these.

on my winamp: Rob Thomas - I am an Illusion

Ah! the beginnings of love. *sigh*

Some things I still wonder about

Random inanities

Not to mention silly happenings that involve people you know...

Good times. Maybe I will continue to reread later.

on my winamp: Paul Oakenfold - Ready, Steady, Go

I just recently finished reading this novel between calls at work. I was first introduced to Sharon Shinn's Samaria with Archangel, and then with Jovah's Angel and the Alleluiah Files, and I keep coming back. Shinn has created distinct races on a world that may exist far in the future. There are things familiar about each group that teases the reader into comparing with out own people, but it's just off enough that one can stop at the nature of each and be happy. It's fantasy with a touch of SF and I love the way she's blended them together. THe underlying theme, as it is with most of the novels that take place on Samaria, is that there is love for everyone, regardless of race, or creed etc.

This novel takes place about a year or so after the events in Archangel. It deals with the aftermath of Gabriel's actions in that book, but focusses more on Obadiah and his chance encounter with Rebakah, a rebellious Jansai girl. Rebekah's people prize their women's purity and anonymity, and hide them away within walls and veils, and because of Gabriel, have no love for angels.

This novel was a little slow-moving at times, but there's always something that draws the reader onwards - it was perfect for reading between customers!

edit But then I reread this (Oct2) and I really don't remember much about it, so really, a good book for between customers.

Since both of us were having "issues" with a scene... or rather I was having "issues" the ever fabulous Lindsie came up with a cool idea. She suggested a trade, where we'd provide the other with a scene that we were having trouble with to see what we could come up with as a solution. Turns out that having another brain play with your characters is kind of like an out of body experience. But terribly fun! Here's proof:

Lindsie says: you know those animes where they have all the normal characters only all drawn in big-head, small body fashion? Or change they style of drawing? Reading this is like that! OMG! You have him touching her!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: chibi!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: i knew it was a risk
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: i almost took that out
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: call it the chibi head scene
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: it was an interesting exercise, because I don't really know what's in their heads the way I do with my own critters. it was like playing with someone else's barbies
Lindsie says: I like the outside perspective
Lindsie says: makes me go "That's not how they act... but I don't know why they couldn't... why are they like that anyway?"
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: it's funny, because the whole time I was like: what would he/she do now?
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: and then I'd be like, something like this, only I know Lindsie would write it different, and focus more outside than in
Lindsie says: you prolly wrote what I always want to write but don't
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: really?
Lindsie says: cause so often I just want to have them making out in front of a whole lot of people. But they wouldn't do that.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: but there are these wonderful moments.. like that wrist... i have never been able to nail those
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: LOl, no they wouldn't
Lindsie says: or at least, they end up being all reserved.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: i was aiming for the telltale touch... but you know
Lindsie says: I liked it. I said 'AHHH! He's TOUCHING her!'
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: phew!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: but not in front of anyone
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: and he was in a towel
Lindsie says: I KNOW!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: lol
Lindsie says: much more titilating than I do!
Lindsie says: meanwhile, I am re-decorating your writing a little.
Lindsie says: a little dry-wall
Lindsie says: some curtains.
Lindsie says: and then adding an extra room later
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: that might just be what it needs
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: Gage is almost as much a mystery to me as he is to everyone else!
Lindsie says: oh excellent. I shall do some exploring.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: lovely! It's hard, because I want him to be evil, but human at the same time
Lindsie says: all you need is the right motivation.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: yeah. but
Lindsie says: haha. totally
Lindsie says: when I read your thing I printed it out and marked it up real good. Can't wait to do this for real
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: edit you mean?
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: me either
Lindsie says: indeed!
Lindsie says: cause then when I write "fix this" I will just sent it back to you instead of having to do it myself.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: rah!
Lindsie says: oh this is totally getting Lindsified
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: whoo!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: ooh, I have email. scrummy
Lindsie says: that's from meee!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: yes! I know!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: weee
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: oh you're sassy
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: '"shit" arika mentioned.' I like that
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: ... i never thought of doing it that way
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: i like it though, because it makes the scene where he sells her all the more evil
Lindsie says: I pictured him as Christopher Walken only younger and hot.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: perfect!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: oh that works so WELL
Lindsie says: also: well-maintained *CrAzY*
Lindsie says: but that's just me
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: but that works for an evil genius type
Lindsie says: yes it does
Lindsie says: the crazy doesn't even have to come out, just to have it there in the background.
Lindsie says: it makes "motivations" easier to explain
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: he can have a "glimmer" or something in his eye
Lindsie says: or some sort of twitch
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: the floppy hair thing was good
Lindsie says: thank you
Lindsie says: crazy people have long hair
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: i hadn't thought of how SHE'd react to him with her memory the way it is
Lindsie says: me either.
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: well, I know Darus has long hair
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: he was bald to start
Lindsie says: oh you changed it.
Lindsie says: he didn't grow it suddlnly cause he was crazy
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: no, but being completely hairless was a little creepy
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: even for him
Lindsie says: "Oh! I'm crazy!" Spurt
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: you made me laugh out loud with that
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: oooh too funny
Lindsie says: you'll have to keep an eye on your hair.
Lindsie says: "Why is it so long? Shoot!"
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: it's past my shoulderblades
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: I think I'm waay beyond sane if we're measuring by length
Lindsie says: "...I must be crazy!"
Lindsie says: I'm a fluffy soft kind of crazy.
Lindsie says: That doesn't need much maintenance
Lindsie says: ya!
Khali ~ "keen on disco" says: hehehe *snort*

on my winamp: Troy Roberts - West Coast Progressive (Shoutcast Radio)

Nomes, You'd like this guy. I especially like the little dude at the top, because his eyes follow my mouse around.

Oh yes, and I also rediscovered Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's Shadowscapes. Yum.

I also found an interesting page dedicated to angel artwork. There are some really interesting images here.

And then I stumbled across Minitokyo as I was searching for anime sites to feed my raging anime addiction.

Looks like Hurricane Rita is following on her sisters heels with some zeal. I certainly hope people can get out of its way.

And then (I'm not sure how, and yes, right after the hurricane news bit) I came across Noah's Ark and played that for too long... I tell you my brain is all over the map these days. Enjoy folks!

on my winamp: Morcheeba - Wonders Never Cease

I really have nothing of importance to say. I survived my shift today with minimal damage and part of my sanity intact. I'm going to shower, eat dinner and perhaps my headache will take a hike.

I had a phone interview today when I got home that resulted in an interview scheduled for the 29th. Wish me luck!

Ok, I'm going to demonstrate how behind I am in the politics of my own country by bringing this up, but dammit people, you have the right to vote, freaking USE it. Don't you want better representation? Sigh. On a happier (and more recent) note, we have a new Governer General. Say hello to Michaelle Jean.

om my winamp: Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstacy

*squints blearily at the monitor*

J's sick again so that means I have to drag my sorry butt to work by myself. Thankfully it's just today and tomorrow lwft before my weekend... and then out come the resume's!! Ugh... wish me luck.

Ok, I'm going to stop reading the news now. I mean seriously, how fucking lame can people be? (Wasn't it enough that people were getting raped and killed in the superdome, even while they were all suffering?)

Fucking dumbasses.... I'm going to go do something nice now... like have a shower!

Oh, wow. I knew things were getting bad, but bad enough that a company like IBM is willing to finance it's own employees as they become teachers? That's just... wow. Way to go IBM. But at the same time, shame on the institution that's supposed to be providing for education: the government. How on earth can you expect to get good quality teachers if you're not willing to put out the time and money to train and support them while they in turn educate your largest asset: your children? No child left behind, my ass.

Guess what day it is tomorrow???? Arr, that's right! It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!!

*rubs hands gleefully together*

I tolerated my way through work today. Having John to get up with me was a real bonus in making me actually drag my sorry ass out of bed to get to the bus this am too. Without him, I'd ahve merely rolled over and gone back to sleep.

I am currently being creative with cover letters. By creative I mean 'waxing professional' rather than fabricating interesting details about my work history. Not that I haven't toyed with the idea of "spiffing" things up on my resume little bit. I think it would go a little like this:

Previous experience:

2001-2003: Dog trainer at Big Top Animal Tamers Inc (helped train circus dogs for clown acts that involved slapstick comedy)

2004: Straight jacket tester at Twistntie Corp. (responsible for testing new products for efficiency and comfort in lifelike surroundings for maximum accuracy)

2004-2005: Quality assurance at OCD Publishing (duties included: making sure the books smelled *just right* and that all the pages lined up.)

You think anyone'd hire me?

Mom just called to tell me to turn to KCTS on TV to see the cutest little three-year-old play violin with an entire symphony. Part of me is melting just like she is because he's adorable, but the other part of me is a little sad that such a tiny little guy is subjected to the scrutiny of the masses - and in some cases the laughter of. I'm pretty sure he has no idea what's going on. Poor little tyke.

Seeing something like that makes me marvel at all the things we've learned in a lifetime - from how to communicate and use the toilet to programming and building things. It's a little astonishing. Esp to think that we can always learn more.

Oh yeah, and I stumbled across this which I think is so cool... I almost want to submit one myself. But I don't know what I'd write on it!

Sigh... I've had a scene stuck, half-formed, in my head for the last couple of days, but I can't seem to make it work on paper. It's a little annoying to say the least, especially since I can see it. I shall try again perhaps before I drag my sorry ass to bed.

Two down, three to go until my next day off.

on my winamp: Muse - Hysteria

Rant time. If you don't want to hear me bitching, then read no further!

Ok, I know I whined about working retail for eons and many of you will look at me now and say: "you're a freak" or "suck it up" or something along that line for what I'm about to write, but to them I say: If I'd known, I would never have changed jobs. (I almost wrote 'career' there, but you know, this is so NOT a career - and if it is someone's I apologize because frankly, it SUCKS ASS.) However I did not know, and just like nearly everything else I've ever learned, I've done it the hard way.

The bottom line is, I hate working in a call center.

Perhaps I should amend that, because if I were working in a place where the rules were clearly defined and the left hand actually knew that the fuck the right hand was doing, I might not be so ready to run screaming from the building and check myself into the nearest mental hospital.

I work at a call center which has been contracted by an American cell phone company (which shall remain nameless) to provide customer service. That's all well and good. What isn't, at least for those of us who are on the front lines (and yeah, sometimes it does feel like a battleground) is that said company has taken over a bunch of other cell phone providers. The result of this is that there are multiple billing systems, ordering and troubleshooting systems, policies, procedures and other crap that have to be dealt with on a daily basis. I use, regularly, up to 18 different computer programs in a day, and at least 5 of those per call - but I don't use half of the ones that are available because I've only been trained to deal with one group of customers. This compounds customer aggravation, I'm sure because every time they call in they get different answers from every rep or dealer (don't get me started on what a bunch of morons dealers are) they talk to, because even though we're all supposed to have a common knowledge base, we really don't. Not to mention that most reps don't really care what happens to the customers once they hang up and more and more I find myself wishing I could do the same.

Let me clarify, before you think me a heartless cow.

It's because I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy because I do care. I'm too empathetic. I actually do give a crap when a customer calls and wants to know why their service was suspended due to non-pay even though they paid their bill in full yesterday. I do care when I realise that no one informed them that they had a new account # and their payment went to the wrong place. And I do care when someone is yelling at me because someone screwed something up the last time they called in. I can't help putting myself in their shoes. You'd think that this would make me a good rep, and make the customers like me, and even make me feel good when I accomplished something for a customer, but no. No it doesn't, because more often than not I have to tell the customer that they can't have what they want, or I can't fix something because policy forbids it, or I can't get clearance to make an exception. Or when I do I feel like I'm the one that's going to get the backlash for making a call on a situation even though it made the customer happy. Rarely do I finish a call and feel good about what I've done, and that sucks.

I like things clearly defined and I find it hard to work when there are so many things that aren't clear. I swear I screw up at least three times a day at work and I hate going in because I keep thinking of all the crap I'm going to have thrown at me and I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. In fact this morning I almost did that when I realised I had slept through my alarm. But I went. I was late, but I went and I sat and listened to several people complain and whinge and ask impossible things and I think out of all of them, only two were really satisfied.

What I want to know is why can't I put on the bitch persona the way I could when I was working behind the counter in a clothing store? Why is it harder to say no to a disembodied voice on the other end of the line? Is it because I don't really know what I'm doing? Probably, but will I ever know what I'm doing? I have no idea, because things change there too fast for me, and there is only res desk to ask and when I do, they're often PO'd with me for wasting their time with stupid questions in the first place.

I suppose this just reinforces my belief that my brain works much slower than everyone else's, or takes longer to retain information than others. I really have to work on distancing myself from things - I tried, but was never really able to when I was still in retail, but that was because it was useful not to, even though I could remove myself from the idiocy of the higher-ups because it had nothing to do with me. Now that I'm the main conduit for customer's grievances it's harder to do and I don't feel like I have the tools to deal with it all properly.

Monday, after work, provided that the stupid bus doesn't leave me standing at the bus stop for an extra hour because transit is too fucking stupid to realised that 50 people finish their shift at 3, I'm going to take my resume out to other places.

I really do believe my sanity is at stake.

*twitch*

/rant

on my winamp: Nine Inch Nails - The Wretched

It's amazing how every once in a while a whole whack of people from your past just suddenly show up at random intervals.

See, I knew Glyndor was coming this week an that as a result I would see him, and at least Ian and Reed and Angela, but I didn't realise how many others would come out of the woodwork upon his arrival. First of all, on the bus trip downtown I saw a guy I'd not seen at least since grade 12. I recognised him instantly, because his face hasn't changed a bit, but it took him a minute to place me. New glasses will do that. Then, when I arrived at Ian's place there were the ones I expected plus a few others, like Jessi-maka and Chris. I had not seen Chris since my days at Mala the gods knows how many years ago. It took me longer to recognize him because he'd grown his hair long - and it turned out curly. I shall have to ask him if I'm allowed to link him just to SHOW you. The man has gorgeous girls-wanna-kill-him-for it curls. LOL Oh yes, and I also got to meet Ian's girlfriend. I'm happy to report that I think she's a sweetheart and that Ian's very lucky. He's certainly happy!

And then yesterday I got to hang out with Nomes, which was a treat since we've not seen each other all summer despite our best intentions. And then TODAY I saw another girl I hadn't seen since high school on the bus when we went out to go get our checks.

So, all in all an interesting week for people. And sadly, it's back to the grind again tomorrow. I am so applying elsewhere this week, you don't even know!

In other news Jacqueline Carey has a new book coming out in the Kushiel series called Kushiel's Scion and I can't wait for it to be out. Yeah. I'm a geek - all over the place!!! Weee!

on my winamp: Conjure One - Extraordinary Ways

*Squints evilly at Karnov*

10 years ago I was:

~16
~best friends with Janice and giving stupid nicknames to our crushes
~writing really BAD love poetry and hardly forgivable fiction (but I still have it all)
~dreaming of being an Anthropologist
~spending all my free time on my beach making pictures with shells on the shale sand
~naive

5 years ago I was:

~21
~going through hell
~discovering who my real friends were

1 year ago I was:

~entering my last year of university
~thinking I was going to be a teacher
~getting excited about going to Greece

Yesterday I was:

~out "shopping" with girls - this never happens!
~finishing a good book by Sharon Shinn

5 snacks I enjoy the most:

~popcorn
~cookies fresh from the oven
~sugar peas (esp when mom sends them in the mail - don't ask)
~blackberries straight off the vine
~Seven layer dip and tortilla chips

5 songs I know all the words to:

~I Love Myself Today - Bif Naked
~Damn, I Wish I was Yor Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
~Make a Wish - Conjure One (feat Poe)
~Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
~Fumbling Towards Ecstacy/Possession/Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan

5 ideal places for running away to:

~Mykonos
~London
~Venice
~Tofino
~any of the tiny gulf islands around here

5 items you will never see me wear:

~wool
~pants with deliberate holes in the ass
~spike heels
~backless tops
~pants that are so low one has to shave in order to wear them

5 biggest joys in life:

~fresh salt air
~sunsets
~a warm bed
~good friends
~having someone love you

3 favorite toys:

~camera
~computer
~new pens

5 tags:

Well, I'm not sure anyone WILL do this if I tag them, but I'll give it a shot:

~Lindsie
~Naomi
~Watty
~Logtar
~Lotus

But same goes as before, if you want to, go ahead, if not, no worries. Have fun!

on my winamp: Butthole Surfers - Pepper

I wrote a couple of pages of what I vainly call 'my novel' yesterday. I kept getting distracted by ideas and scenes that don't fit where I am in the linear scheme of things, but I wrote them anyway and hopefully they will actually fit when I get to them. I still have a huge gap between what's already established and how I want it to end, and I've been hoping that if I just go with it, that my characters will tell me what's happening next. So far they've been pretty good. I especially like when Arika says "I believe I'm expected" to the guard at the gate and he nearly passes out. I guess you had to be there.

I've decided, that since I want to go back to school to become a librarian (who knew "Boris" would have me pegged?) and one of the requirements for admission is prior experience, I've decided that I should probably go volunteer at a library. Turns out the public ones are unionized, so there's no go there (who knew?) but the nice librarian lady at the desk suggested that the schools might need an extra pair of hands now and then. Gosh, how suitable is that? When J called the school board today to ask about registering his youngling nearby I nabbed the phone before he hung up and asked if they needed volunteers. Turns out they just may be willing, so my project for tomorrow will be to find one locally that will take my services. A win-win situation if I do say so.

The new bus schedule for this year has been printed with at least 7 languages on it. The funniest part of this was my immediate reaction when the bus driver handed me my new copy. "Wow, our city's become a real metropolis" or something to that effect, as if it hadn't been one until the public transit system aknowledged the fact that a huge number of our population has from other countries, namely China, Japan, India and the Phillipines for school and work. They've put Spanish on here too, as well as the requisite First Nations, English and French, but I wonder how our German and Scandinavian transit riders feel now. Are they feeling like a minority? This PC stuff is *so* complicated. In order to facilitate it's new multilingual status the guide has also been printed with reams of ads - most of which are in english. Hrm... so all the multilingual stuff is crammed in the last few pages... and most of it's in english anyway. Hrm. *rolls eyes* at least the cover's fun.

I bought the new Conjure One Cd, Extraordinary Ways today. I was pleased to note that there are pictures of Vancouver in the jacket, and I've listened to it three times through now and there's only one track I'm not 100% infatuated with - which, considering the massive amount of work that Rhys Fulber has worked on, is quite amazing. He and Bill Leeb are the brilliant minds behind Delerium, which has been my favourite music since I first heard "Flowers Become Screens" by chance on the radio one day in high school. I even like their work as Front Line Assembly, which has a different flavour again. I recommend it. Yes. All of it.

And oddly I don't feel guilty for buying this CD... perhaps because I know that I will play it until it's scratched and worn, like my poor copy of Semantic Spaces. Now, if I could only remove my spending inhibitions when it comes to practical things, even if it is the 5 dollar shampoo rather than the dreadful $1.39 shampoo/conditioner that does little to actually clean and detangle my hair. I tell you, I am way screwed in the head.

on my winamp: Conjure One - Face the Music

this squirrel is probably one of the luckiest survivors of the hurricane.

I have discovered that felt-tip markers, of the thin variety are excellent poetry pens. I wrote a line or two on loose leaf paper this am and felt good about it.

J and I got up at the usual time this am, though with more alarm clock slaps than usual and made it all the way down to the bus stop only to decide that it was a crappy day to go to work and walked back up the hill again. We're both so awful. All it really takes is for one of us to even suggest that we don't really want to go and we end up staying home.

We stopped in the local Mac's to buy J some cigs and the guy at the counter carded me. I have not been carded since I was 17, so I felt pretty good. I think it had something to do with the fact that I had put my hair back and was hiding the grey stripe I have that makes me look like a skunk.

I did, however, on the way down there, find a twenty just laying on the sidewalk. John walked right past it in the half-light. How nifty is that?

I am glad, however, that we decided not to go today. I feel crampy and yuck, and I think dealing with stupid customers would have been a BAD idea. Especially with this obvious bout of lows I had this last week. I mean wow. I was low. Inexplicable crying spats and irrationality and the whole bit. Fucked up. I can only wonder over the fact that J didn't heave me over the balcony. He did get fed up with me now and then, but most of the time he amazes me with his patience.

Speaking of customers tho, I had a charming one the other day. I think I will call him: Monosyllable Man. Yes, I think that's perfect. The conversation went something like this:

"Thank you for calling.... how may I help you?"
"mm"
(silence)
"what seems to be the trouble?"
"cell phone doesn't work" (this mumbled for my clarification)
"can you make outgoing calls?"
"mm"
(pause me: trying to interpret "mm")
"can you recieve calls?"
"mm"
"does it display an error message?"
"says emergency only"
"have you power cycled the phone?"
"Mm" (me: starting to twitch)
"could you try that now please sir?"
"mm"
(pause while I hear some fiddling and someone yelling in the background)
"what happened?"
"still says emergency only"(mumbled again *twitch*)
"when someone calls does an error message play?"
"mm"
"let me place a test call and see"
"mm"

After about twenty minutes of this I manage to fix the problem and the guy hangs up without even a thank you. I feel so used!

After work yesterday, J and I had to wait for over an hour for a bus to stop. The first one was a half huor late and it drove right past because it was full, and then the second one was also late. This is the third time that's happened to us, so I'malso glad that I'm missing out on that today too. I do have to work tomorrow, but then I have Thursday and Friday off.

Glyndor "the booboholic" is in town this week. Hopefully I get to see him today, if not, I will see him at the barbie at the amazing Ian's place tomorrow. He called last night, just as J and I were heading to bed, since we thought we were going to work this am. He wanted us to go out with him and some others, but we refused. Silly silly us.

on my winamp: Gorillaz - Feel Good

Before I drag my sorry butt off to bed at an ungodly early hour in order to forcibly wake myself up at 4:45am I feel like I should blog something, since I've posted nothing but random drivel in the last few weeks.

I've been puzzled with my brain, how randomly it seems to work. Some days I feel totally on the ball and like I can get everything done that I want to, and other days I just feel so totally overwhelmed that nothing gets done. This isn't abnormal, as I've been aware of the pattern off and on for some time, but it just seems that recently, what with my normal pattern changing to no longer include school, that I'm flipping into the latter mode more frequently. I've tried to peg why, and I'm still not clear, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it's because I'm not doing much that I enjoy anymore.

I have a job that's only halfway tolerable. Granted, I'd bitch and moan about retail, but at least while I was there I knew I'd probably get some good customer interaction out of the deal, or at least some fun in with the coworkers, but at the call center... well. Let's look at it this way: a) you're in a little cubicle with your reams of papers, a computer that will randomly decide to help you out and a telephone that's the source of much anxiety perpetuated by unsatisfied customers who have been made dissatisfied by the actions of the company you represent, but don't really work for since the center you work in is outsourced. And b) any coworker interaction you have is based on the 20 milliseconds you might have between calls or when you need to turn to someone in the next row to beg for help with a program that's decided to be a total bitch just to make your life that much better. /sarcasm

And people wonder why I've kind of become a recluse. I think I've now met and talked to enough people to convince me that a large portion of the population are total dicks. (Of course, that doesn't include you dear reader.) This is hard for me, because at the beginning of every interaction with people I tend to believe the best of them. I want to believe the best of them. I want to believe that the person with the soft voice on the other end of the line isn't going to turn out to be a complete control freak who threatens to eat my children if I don't give her what she wants. I want to believe that the guy who talks and smiles at me doesn't want to get into my pants. I want to believe that the girl who compliments my hair doesn't secretly want to shave it all off in my sleep. I really want to believe that everyone is nice, that no one has ulterior motives, but often I find myself disappointed. It makes me sad. And kind of angry that I'm still so sensitive about it.

Logically, even consiously, I know that people are like this. I know that they're out for themselves and screw everyone else that gets in thier way, but it still doesn't fail to upset me. And here I thought I'd finally managed to become a cynic. Apparently I'm too sensitive for that.

I think I at least tried to be like that. After M, and then after the fiasco with Amber giving me that ultimatum (prime examples of the above, by two people I felt I was very close with) I tried to be thick-skinned and cynical. Turns out I'm just not.

Anyway, that aside I don't do a heck of a lot. Ok, I write when I can, but when I can't or get stuck I get so frustrated that it takes the joy out of it for a while. Another reason not to be a writer for a living: turning something I love into a chore. I did write today, after much struggle I got two whole pages into some semblence of coherence. I just ended up telling myself I could edit later. (hoorah).

I wanted to draw something this weekend, but every time I look at my pile of supplies something happens to my inspiration. It flies out the window or bobs around the apartment until the cats catch and eat it. What is up with that anyway you furry little things? Aren't you two supposed to keep me sane? Oh. Right. Sanity would imply that my talking to you would be wierd and, well, I don't think it is. Go figure.

I read a little today too. I finished Judith Tarr's Kingdom of the Grail this am, and that felt like an accomplishment because it hasn't taken me three weeks to finish a novel since second year when I was doing Romantic poetry and fiction at the same time. (Wading through Victorian prose is excuse enough, don't you think? Oh, and Moby Dick doesn't really count, because technically I never finished it.)

I want to start doing my photo album, but I don't have the supplies yet, nor a proper flat space to work on. Not sure how to remedy that, since I'm certain that any flat space I set up is going to end up getting slept on by little furry bodies in the middle of the night. Not to mention the fact that I don't have all of the photos developed just yet.

I've also found myself unreasonably irritated by the smallest things lately. I figured when I got off the mood-altering bc's I'd be fine again, but it seems this isn't the case. Why should the fact that people can't speak proper english annoy me more than usual? Hell, I live with a man who uses the word "ain't" on a regular basis and subsitutes words that sound similar to what he really means. I shouldn't be irritated by it at all anymore. I've bitten my tongue because I sure as hell hate being corrected all the time, and I imagine he'd feel the same way. I was also irritated by the mess in the house yesterday - so much so that I cleaned the deck, and - with the aide of Fletch - took all the empty beer cans and bottles that had been falling off the deck onto the front walkway, to the liquor store. Now our deck doesn't look like a pigsty. I got started on the rest of the house, J helped me with the dishes, but there's a ways to go yet. (I can imagine I'm a fucking dream to live with right now. /sarcasm)

I should be able to just stop being annoyed with everything and just pull up my socks and get on with things like normal people do. But I keep asking myself: how. How do people do it? How do they get up early every morning, go to a job they may or may not like, have a social life, and keep up with bills, appointments, obligations and hobbies at the same time? I have a job and no social life and I can't even keep up with the fucking dishes.

Urgh. Stupid brain.

on my winamp: London Rain - Heather Nova

Ah. Labour Day Weekend at work. Double time and a half pay today to sit around and read my book. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I love when there's time between calls to fraternise with the strange collection of people who work at the center. Seriously it is an eclectic mix.

Off and on I received calls from the southeastern states and every time it made me think of all the people who are struggling through the aftermath of Katrina. I'm amazed by the amount of support that's been raised by those on the blogosphere and on TV - and equally astounded at the ass-dragging that Bush has exhibited in getting the necessary aide and supplies out there to help. (Not to mention the fact that volunteers are being turned away!) I think that this is a terrible situation and I know that those people are in the hearts of many right now.

Friday J and I went out to get our checks and then rented Ong-Bak which was mind-blowing. Tony Jaa is amazingly quick. We had quite the martial arts weekend, because we watched Kung-Fu Hustle earlier in the week and laughed so hard it was great. (The site actually has addicting little games to play too, so be careful!)

Saturday we took the bus out to the fair. It's been over a year since I went to a fair, so I had a blast. I love looking at all the critters and every time I go I get this strange urge to be a farmer and have horses and things. I love the smell of hay and horses and goats and cows - yes even cows. I love the sound of chickens. I even got nibbled on by one of the horses. Love it. We ate greasy fair food, and checked out the exhibits. I was a bit disappointed in them though - for an area as big as the peninsula here, one would think that there would be more contestants. But there were only about four entries for apples, and only a couple for all the other fruits and veggies. Even the fair upisland has more entries than that - since the produce exhibit takes up the entire skating rink instead of a small conferance room. Sadly I won't get to make it up to that one this year, but I did get my fill. We checked out the midway too, but neither of us felt up to tormenting our stomachs with gracity-defying machines.

I found another stray bolt in the parking lot outside the apt building near the truck. I've decided I'm going to put them all in a jar and label it "mystery bolts" because I think that every time that truck moves it loses pieces - and yet it keeps going.

Listening to: Garbage - Androgyny

Shamelessly borrowed from Inner Lyly

Seven things that scare me
- going blind
- ignorance
- fanatics
- losing someone I love
- violence against myself or loved ones
- crippling disease
- death

Seven things I like the most
- reading a book in bed on a rainy day
- snuggling up with my honey
- new pens
- the smell of books
- laying with the cats in sunbeams
- the beach and swimming
- food

Seven important things in my home
- my honey
- my cats
- my books
- my pictures
- my computer
- my journals
- uhm.... shoes? Shoes are important...

Seven random facts about me
- I wear glasses
- I have a birthmark on my arm that's the same shape as my mother's
- I'm adopted
- I hate politics
- I don't sing in the shower, I create dialogues for my stories
- sometimes I watch movies just for the explosions
- I collect fairy tales

Seven things I plan to do before I die
- Finish a masters degree
- get published (hopefully repeatedly)
- have kids
- travel more
- get out of debt
- finish my photo albums
- learn something new

Seven things I can do
- write
- listen
- be nonjudgemental and accept people as they are
- be amused by the strangest things
- think outside the box
- tell when it's my mom on the phone without looking at the call display
- observe

Seven things I can't do
- walk down stairs or up stairs without tripping
- do math more complicated than adding and subracting in my head
- sew
- respond quickly with comebacks
- resist an opening when someone sets themselves up for an insult
- fly a plane
- ride a rollercoaster


Seven things I say the most
- uhm/well
- eh (I am canadian)
- brutal!
- crikey
- you know
- the way I see it
- urg

Seven celeb crushes
- Hugh Jackman
- Greg Grunberg
- Adrian Paul
- Paul Gross (esp as Fraser in Due South)
- Dominic Purcell
- Kate Beckinsale
- Angelina Jolie

I won't tag anyone, but if you want to, go for it!!

THursday promised to be a not too bad day. J decided to stay home from work again, in order that I could drag him to the doctor to see about his seeming perpetual illness. We did manage to accomplish that, but when we got home, it was to discover that Brent, the business partner from hell decided to bail on the second job that had been lined up for that day. Fletch came up to the apt looking less-than-pleased with Brent's idiot behaviour and J cussed loudly and off they both went to look after the second job. I randomly surfed blogs for a while and it seemed like they were back in no time and we were all on our way to the nearby pub for some beer and some eats. I had some pop, since I wasn't really in the mood to drink at that point. J and I had a commitment to help a friend of his from work move his crap out of a U-Pak box and into his apartment that eve, so Fletch accompanied us there to lend a hand. Said friend fed us some beer and we came barrelling back here where more beer was consumed (I still working on my second by the time idea floats into the air that we should go and find Brent where he was supposedly playing with his band that night and pay him a visit - complete with fists, I'm sure.

So, I, J, Fletch and another friend of J's I'll call T hoofed it to a couple of spots it "could have been". Needless to say we didn't find the dumb shit, for which I'm kind of glad because I had no desire to see anyone carted off to as jail cell for the night. In the second bar the boys decided to have a pitcher of beer before heading back home. Now this bar was populated by a smattering of forty-fifty-somethings - and it was KARAOKE night.

LORD LOVE A DUCK but it was AWFUL.

There was one woman there that was so hammered that she came up to our table and started shaking her ass to the music and yelling something about how great the night was before disappearing into the smoking sector to her hubby and about a dozen empties in the table. (She looked all dried out - you know that kind of leathery look some women get when they live hard? Like that, only slightly pickled.) Oh and the man who was DJ-ing the Karaoke was a complete wanker. My title comes from his thank you to whoever had had the prerequisite number of drinks to get up and sing, er attempt to sing in front of the sparsely populated bar. In the corner there were a bunch of skinny men betting on virtual horse races. Virtual horse races, I kid you not. So while J and Fletch shot a game of pool T and I made faces of pain at each other over our rum and cokes. First a man came up and gurgled into the mic about something, a woman butchered another song by screeching, a badly dressed younger woman with nice heels on did a wonderful job of "suds in the bucket" before her performance was ruined by an older woman who got up and pretended to be twenty years younger which was ghastly. Then some skinny guy came and did a pretty good rendition of "New Orleans is Sinking" which was fun, but we decided to get out of there when a guy decided to sing something by Shirley Temple.

Fletch bought a bottle of whiskey at the cold beer and wine and we caught a cab home. J was in a rare mood last night, and we fought, Fletch tried to play peacekeeper and we sort of ended on an ok note. (I wrote this later, as you can probably tell, but I had to remember my title.)

J slept like a log, but I'm not. There's a fucking cop car outside our apartment right now after pulling over a car, and now there's a flatbed tow truck there with it's flashing lights to take the truck away. I'm going to put a blanket over the window and hope I sleep.