So I'm sitting here reading an email from my mother (about washing floors and the biffy) and being totally creeped out by the animated Wilfred Laurier a la the five dollar bill winking at me and doing a funky eyebrow twitch and I realise that my life is pretty fucking boring. And I made it that way.

I work, come home, vegetate, scribble futilely or clean and then sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

Thing is, I don't know what would make it better right now. All I really want to do these days is sleep. Under great heaps of blankets in the dark, or in a sunbeam. I want someone else to do all the keeping things together.

Sigh. Went to the bosslady's pre-wedding bash last night and enjoyed myself while I was there, only to feel totally depressed when I got home. I just wanted J to hug me and tell me he was glad I was home, but we barked at each other for no particular reason again.

Would it kill him to listen now and then? Maybe try to be a little empathetic? I don't want him to fix anything, I just want him to empathize. I hate feeling like we talk at cross-purposes all the time.

I hate how empty my head is right now. I think I'm getting sick. Stressing out is not doing wonders for my constitution.

Normally I don't mind the rain, but today I found it oppressive. I think it was all the people who came in today complaining about it that affected me... and the fact that I didn't sleep all that well last night.

Common theme that, these days.

Anxiety. Sucks.

I want November to be over. Actually, it's the anticipation of having this responsibility that's making me freak out. Being in it won't be so bad, and I know that. I know I'll be able to handle it, but I hate waiting for these things to happen.

listening to: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat

I only have a few minutes before I have to go catch a bus, but because I meant to blog this weekend, I had better scribble something.

I had a productive weekend at the mall. Yes, the mall. I actually went shopping. You'd think that the female gene would make me prone to mall madness, but after having worked in one for so long, I really don't get the shopping bug the way I used to. That, and the budget's been tight. Anyhow, this month I had a little extra, so I bought some much needed items, such as work shoes! Granted they're not a perfect fit, but then the only shoes I seem to find that are perfect are sandles or runners. Found out that my left foot is actually smaller than my right be a whole half-size, but that it's wider, hence the reason I can never find proper shoes! Also bought pants and a suit jacket! Yes, PANTS!!

So. That was a great accomplishment.

And now I have to drag the butt to work. /cry

listening to: Rickmix 15 (linked under R. Gonzalez to the left

A story about a dog with a marble for a brain.

Conversation over the phone while I was at work:

J: I bought toilet paper.
K: I got cat food.
J: oh you got it? cool.
...
K: Whatcha doin?
J: Beating up the cat.
...
J: You got mail, it looks like a cheque, can I open it?
K: No!
J: Why not?
K: 'Cause it's mine. Why do you want to deprive me of the joy of opening my mail?
J: Erm
...

The guy who sat next to me on the bus on Sunday was left-handed.

I've seen the same Korean guy with an extra long black and white scarf all over downtown since he and two others had to share a cab with me to M Bay because the bus was full.

Went to the bank on Monday am to see if there was anything in my account and it looked like someone had shat on the modern art thingy that's outside - right next to a pair of women's shoes.

The sparrows outside the deli are getting more agressive as it gets colder.

I saw a man today who was the definition of the term "handlebar mustache".

I took a picture of geranium leaves because I thought mom'd like to make a mosaic of them.

No, I'm not dead.

Feel pretty close to it, but that's nothing really new these days. This month I'm supposed to be doing all of the senior teller stuff so that when The Boss Lady goes away to get herself hitched I won't have any issues. I'm fine with most of it, I just wish I could get some more practice at the stuff I feel iffy about. Problem is, it's iffy because hardly anyone comes in for wires or drafts. At least not often enough for me to feel totally confident with doing them.

Urg. Want it out of my head!

Had a Thanksgiving lunch today up Island with the families. I went down to catch my bus this am - which was a little late because of the marathon thing, but we got off at a reasonable time nonetheless. Only at the first stop there were too many for the bus so the driver asked for volunteers who were going as far as M Bay, so four of us could be shuttled in a taxi. A taxi. That's a 74$ fare. Thought I missed mom when I was dropped off, but she came back. She went to make a call to see if I'd slept in, funny lady. She took me to see cousin K and we had tea and chatted and it felt really good.

Then we went to J and G's place and the turkey was delicious. Everyone was a little wierd and overloud this time though, because our hostess is going in for a major operation in a week and her mother is preparing to get a dental plate and they were both freaked out and wierd and everyone was overcompensating.

listening to: Goldfrapp - Ooh La La

I've sat staring at this blank blogger spot for the past half-hour wondering what on earth I should fill it up with.

I get to go upisland this weekend to see the family-people for the Canadian turkey holiday. That's cool.

Sigh.

Can't really hear anything over the music on my headphones, which I have turned up so that I don't have to listen to the blare of whatever the hell is on the TV. J's flicking again - his version of watching TV. The concept of volume is still something J and I can't seem to agree on. I am still convinced that his hearing is impaired and that he requires the volume to hear. (This would also explain his inability to hear me speak in a normal volume so that I have to repeat myself, you know?) I'll ask him to turn it down and he will, but it always, always creeps up again. So. I've plugged in the headphones again in attempt to try and get my own headspace in my own house. It only partially works atm, since only one of the earpieces seems to want to work with any reliability.

I wonder if I should tackle the idea of 'me-time' again. I told him the other day that I needed some time to myself at home to rewind and he got offended; like I didn't want to spend time with him anymore. At the time I couldn't articulate what it was that I needed from time at home without him here because for me it's such a simple and fundamaental concept. My mother understood it, so she would leave me alone and be quiet in another part of the house and not require an update every ten minutes. If I go into the bedroom now, (which is the only part of the house that's really separate) he will be in there within a half hour to ask me what's wrong, which on one level is endearing. ('Nothing' of course is the wrong answer because it's that lovely trigger word that must show up in the man training manual like this: 'when she says 'nothing' you're in for a world of trouble' or something. WTF ever!) So how do I explain it? It's like I have to put my brain on hold so I can do work and interact with him and worry about bills and everything else and I think that it's been on hold for too long.

Either way, I've not had the luxury in the last 5 months because J's always been home. I think being alone to him is an obstacle to be overcome. I don't think he likes it and would rather that I was home whenever he was.

I don't feel relaxed enough these days. I'm stressed about work, since there are tons of things I'm learning and having to be responsible for. And of course it has to do with money and numbers which have always made me slightly nervous to start with. I'm trying to conquer that and I think I am having some success, but I'm still not relaxed about it.

So when I come home I just want to curl up somewhere and relax, or write or something and I've been so used to having my own headspace - or being able to get into it without any interruptions that I'm more frustrated and snappy than anything these days. That isn't all that fair to J, though. Even though he likes to read over my shoulder when I'm typing, (stop it!) which irritates the hell out of me. I never have liked anyone reading over my shoulder. (I blame my grade two teacher!) He's done it so many times before that when he's out of my line of sight I get all jumpy and preemptively irritated, which is not conducive to relaxation either. I know it's more curiousity than anything (right?) but rational explanations have little bearing on my current state of mind.

Last weekend I had a day - almost a whole day - to myself, but it wasn't enough. I have this idiot tendency to prepare myself for what's going to happen the next day; to expect things, even though I discovered long ago that this was a way to set myself up for disappointment. So I'd set myself up for two days of rewind time only to have J stay home on sunday because the shoes he had for work killed his feet to the point that he had to buy new ones. You'd think that out of 150 days I could have a pair of them to myself to recharge, wouldn't you? Not unreasonable.

Yet, apparently it is.