Interesting week.

The horror-scope was right about work. Not that I believed for a second that it was rock solid, but now I know I have to re-evaluate some things.

J too, it seems. He's been quitting smoking: gone two whole weeks without a smoke, for which I am very proud of him and he's starting to hack up nasty black stuff... gee, after 23 years of smoking I'm really not all that surprised. 'Course that makes his lungs feel funny so he's been home for the last three days. Bought some ink so I could print out his resume.

Mom came down this weekend and we did her Birthday Lunch and talked about her book and life in general. Was good, but I had a headache by the time I got back. Lack of caffeine I think. Anyway, our talking lead me to identify patterns in my life that I'm not pleased with. You know, the kind of thing that just clicks the moment you say it? Also identified things I'd been nitpicking about others that I disliked about myself. Hard to come to terms with, so I've been unforgivably cranky. Apparently. Didn't want to talk this morning, to anyone - you know, let the brain sort these new things out, but that just ended up in a fight. Another one. Nothing personal about it, my brain just doesn't process more than one thing in the morning and there was stuff in there already.

J did get fed up with me and the amazing infinite loop computer this morning, so he went out and got me some new RAM. Am testing the thing now to see if I get the same random reset crap I was getting before. So far, so good. =P

Got a CD though, and I'm loving it. Imogen Heap's 'Speak For Yourself' which is someone I may not have found on my own. She's got all the things I love, good beats and the right amount of ethereal type tracks and the lyrics... arrr.

listening to: Imogen Heap - The Moment I Said It

Got an email from the ex this week. He said a few things that made me remember why I loved him. Mom's advice was to not open that can of worms again. Her words. Wise, of course, since that part of my life is over and done, but it makes me feel quite pensive just the same. I was glad to hear that he's doing ok, I was worried that he'd let everything fall down around himself. (My heart's too big to not care, after all.) Ironically, J's advice was to "get some closure" on it. I had my closure, hon. Trust me.


"Clear The Area" ~Imogen Heap

Knock, knock...are you alone?
No one's out here and I was not followed.
Love, love...you're already home.
Party's over and you don't look so good.

You find your way back down.
And I'll keep the area clear...please clear the area.
When you find your way back down...in one piece.
Then I'll just be waiting here...right here.

Low light...mercury morning...
No need to stay as it's always nothing.
But your eyes tell a whole other story...and I feel the weight of the world.
Won't talk...Won't try...just move...
It's too still in your sadness.
Cry...give up...it's okay...
You've just got to trust me.

You find your way back down.
And I'll keep the area clear...please clear the area.
When you find your way back down...in one piece.
Then I'll just be waiting here...right here.

Slowly...darling...nobody means anymore to me than you
If you're in...baby then I'm in (into this)...with you, always.
Careful...close to the edge...(You're scaring me)
Fall in to my arms....(where did it all fall?)
Fall...into love...love...

You find your way back down.
And I'll keep the area clear...please clear the area.
When you find your way back down...in one piece.
Then I'll just be waiting here...right here.

You find your way back down.
Way back down,
And I'll keep the area clear...please clear the area.
When you find your way back down...in one piece.
Then I'll just be waiting here...right here.

Whatever this nasty cold-thing is, it's making me quite annoyed now. Last thursday, I got a sore throat, very suddenly. I was sitting here at the computer desk and all of a sudden it felt all scratchy and gross. Friday I wake up with what feels like an ear infection and since then I've been coughing and going through kleenex like no tomorrow. Oh and I wake up in the morning with that lovely sandpaper mouth/throat thing because I've been breathing through my mouth all night. Charming, no? This morning, the cough is so bad I feel like I'm going to lose my breakfast every time I do it. But here I am, trekking off to work again. I just hope that today my inner ear isn't out of whack the way it was yesterday. That was some fun times. Hey, lets sit on this chair - oh maybe not! Fuck.

Had a series of spats with J this week. Had one on the phone last night where we hung up on each other a few times. Still talking at cross-purposes it seems, or we'd not have felt the need to do that, I'm sure. (And he's tying to quit smoking. Fun times.)

[edit: J wanted to know why I only mentioned one of our smaller spats, and I told him that it was because I didn't feel like posting the rest; that it's been a week-long thing and would a) take up too much room and b) bore what sparse readership I have who probably don't give a shit. But there it is, it's been one after another. And no, I didn't mention it because I didn't think it wasn't important! MY blog, lol.)

My horror-scope for this morning doesn't make me feel any better about this day either:

Taurus: You may be quite uncertain about your place in the world, even if you recently thought everything in your career was rock solid. Now it can feel as if someone took away your compass and you cannot get your bearings. However, don't worry if you are lost, for this is not a long-term cycle. The uncertainty can open up new possibilities as you search for your new direction.

Ha ha... at least it's not long term. /weak laugh.

(By Massive Attack)

Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go, oh

I feel live something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more, oh.

listening to: See above
reading: A Head Full of Blue - Nick Johnstone

What was the vitalizing sound calling me? in my head? repeatedly?
what was that visionary sight? before my eyes? so prominent, so mesmerizing, turbulant?
You've got a hold on me, your ingenuity seems to be driving me down on my knees.
the force you generate, you reinvigorate, your body talks and overstates
but i'm already drawn closer to divine
intoxcating images are rushing through my mind
embodiment of sin, has kindled me within
sensation seems to multiply they're building up inside
cutting through the night, radiating light
i see you move the crowd
I know what you're about
the stories I have heard do talk about excess
I know what people say
but surely you impress

charismatic pill
you've elevated sun
vanity and pride
added into one
a universal force
autonomic high
a thing I can't control
no matte rhow I try

what have you done to me?
this candid chemistry
emotions running over me
and when you arch your back, just with a stare like that
well it's natural to interact
i'm not holding back, ready to commence
caught up in your bilizzard so confusing and intense
synergy of two
energy gone wild
see the stars align to spell your name out in the sky
never seen a sight
so fascinating right
a symmetry between
dirty and pristine
calling out so loud, beautiful and true
mystery about everything you do

charismatic drug
you elevated sun
vanity and pride
added into one
a universal force
an autonomic high
a thing i can't control
no matter how I try

this electricity, injected into me
emotions running over me
and when you're getting close
you touch my innermost
a feeling deep inside me knows

wonders of delight, cutting through the night
know you got it all - I can't do with out
burning in my veins
ripping through my soul
I'll never be the same
a secret can't be told

"chorus"

(~Röyksopp)

(Yes, that is what I'm listening to right now...)

Went to the store just now, ostensibly to take the videos back, but I stopped in the grocery store to pick up some fruit. The girl at the checkout had the Eye of Horus tattooed in the hollow of her throat. Made me regret not having my tattoo done when I had the chance. Though, thinking about it I'm not sure it wouldn't have created more scars than it covered, considering the connection to M it would have had. (Proverbial scars, of course.)

Spiderweb thoughts, at best.

It's windy and rainy and suited my mood so I went up to the top of the mini-mountain behind the apartment so I could stand on the wall around the radio tower and let the wind push its fingers through my hair.

It's not very high, but I can see all the way to the water from up there. Could see the world moving on without me. Felt nice to step out of time for a moment.

listening to: Imogen Heap - Clear the Area

Fuck You.

Seriously, if you were that hard up for cash, and you'd asked, I've have given you something. Not that I had much in my wallet at the time (as you found out I'm sure, because all that was really in there was the coin I'd got to do my laundry which, by the way I've not done yet BECAUSE YOU TOOK IT, creep) but all you had to do was fucking ask. Hell, I'd have preferred if you'd even held me up and demanded my cash rather than this.

Because seriously, how fucking selfish are you? Do you know how much crap this causes? Not only do I have to replace all my cards and ALL MY FUCKING ID, but you've taken all sorts of personal possessions. I feel like you've cut off one of my fucking limbs you stupid cocksucker. There were photos in there, and a pawn ticket and stamps and an address for a friend I'd not seen in forever. The only ID picture I've ever liked. My LIBRARY CARD! OMG you bastard! Seriously. Hope you enjoy those restaurant gift certificates I got for Christmas and I hope you fucking choke on whatever you order. Karma baby. Fucking Karma.