some things that you find
are beyond your control...

Crossroads.
This whole moving thing's made me quite introspective. Other things too, but I think that was the catalyst, since it's timing is right fucked. We were fighting before about moving, because we want to go different places, but now J's all ready to go wherever I want and that's not cool. I mean it's cool on the one hand because hey, he's willing to come with me, but on the other I don't want him to be sacrificing his goals for mine. Does that make sense? Well, apparently life doesn't. *rolls eyes*

Heading to see the families tomorrow - to put on the masks. Well, are they masks that I put on, or ones that are provided by other people's experiences of me?

listening to: Moby - Where You End
eating: chili
today's project: wrapping presents
feeling: pensive

Had a not too bad weekend. Saw the Golden Compass and I want an armoured bear. Not that there is any practical use for an armoured bear, it would still be cool, I mean no one would mess with me. Not that anyone does - at least not after I tell them that the plate glass is there for their protection and not mine.

Feeling a bit like Sisyphus with the house hunting thing. Figure that maybe my timing sucks, or the planets are not in alignment or something. There are a ton of things i need to do... not the least of which is my Christmas shopping. yes... it's nearly the 17th and I have not even started. The term "fuck" leaps into my mind frequently. Least it did when J and I were downtown before our movie and I realized how close to the day it was. I'm screwed, because I have no idea what to get for anyone. Not a clue. Not a freaking clue.

Ok, going to attempt sleep, which is going to be entertaining I think because I had some starbucks... I mean I'm no stranger to caffeine, but for some reason my eyes seem to have forgotten what blinking is.

listening to: Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
today's project: finding something I lost
eating: interesting seafood thing
reading: Ruin and Beauty - Patricia Young
feeling: exasperated

Sleepthief - The Metro

I’m alone
Sitting with my empty glass
My four walls
Follow me through my past

I was on a Paris train
I emerged in London rain
And you were waiting there
Swimming through apologies...

I remember searching for the perfect words
I was hoping you might change your mind
I remember a soldier sleeping next to me (next to me, next to me)
Riding on the Metro

You wore white
Smiling as you took my hand
So removed
We spoke of winter time in France
Minutes passed with shallow words
Years have passed and still the hurt
Oh, I can see you now
Smiling as you pull away

I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
“I love you always” filled my eyes
I remember a night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the Metro

I remember a feeling coming over me
A soldier turned and looked away
I remember hating you for loving me
Riding on the Metro

I’m alone
Sitting with my broken glass
My four walls
Follow me through my past

I was on a Paris train
I emerged in London rain
And you were waiting there
Swimming through apologies...

How?

My brain is full of crap and I miss my cats. Took them up island on Sunday, in the snow. Boy was that an adventure. (I'd forgotten how jeans have a tendency to wick... so by the time we got from the bus to the ferry I had to use one hand to hold my pants up. I suppose on the one hand that this good news because it may mean that I've lost weight, but still, it was a little comical - or it would have been if I hadn't been so distraught. Perhaps you think I'm far too attached to my furry friends, but that's just me. deal.) Mom sends me these little emails about them coming out and hissing at her and I just feel guilty.

Anyway, the hunt for an apartment is just... argh. There is hair-pulling and the gnashing of teeth. There are also phone calls from the kiddo thrown into the mix that have J very unhappy. There are whispers of job changes and I keep staring at this UBC site thinking "they won't take me, they won't take me"... I know that's bullshit, of course, but my state of mind seems to propagate this kind of negativity.

Shit... I need to unplug this phone too...

listening to: Down on Love - Ferry Corsten
today's project: fuck it
eating: something
Reading: Paradise Lost - Milton
feeling: frisky

General blah... so PO'd about having to move the cats out to moms so we don't get evicted. This building should be begging us to stay, it's a bloody craphole anyway. I mean, again with the fire alarms this weekend! AND THEN THEY LOCKED THE LAUNDRY ROOM! Why? because apparently the steam - yes, the STEAM - from the dryers was what set off the alarm. The alarm, that the bloody live-in manager has a key to now, but guess who WASN'T HOME? not 4 hours this time, but anything over 20mins is just stupid.

Oh and to the person who got so offended that I touched her "cloths" that she had to write a note about how I was to fuck my ass (excuse me? I may be flexible, but I think that's a wee bit out of my scope, yes?) perhaps you should rethink using a public laundry facility if you don't want people removing your "cloths" from the dryer. (incidentally, spending 4 dollars to wash and dry, what, 8 pairs of teeny thongs is a bit, uhm, extravagant?) Crikey, if you're that sensitive, do it by hand you lazy cow!

listening to: Ferry Corsten - Whatever
today's project: not killing someone
eating: not much
reading: strike/slip - Don McKay
feeling: The Pms