I sit on the lawn next to my loved one, looking up at a colourful sky. The reds and pinks and purples have nothing to do with pollution or warfare. There's a breeze taht brushes across our faces and on this I can smell the tang of salt and cedar. Behind us, inside a snug little house sleep the kids. There are no fences. There is no traffic. It's peaceful...
listening to: DJ Shadow - Midnight in a Perfect World eating: stew feeling: like the wind could blow through me word of the day: chimera
I am seriously craving some P.M. Dawn right now and I can't find the CD I burned it on. Found the ancient cassette, but that serves me little, since I have nothing to play the thing on anymore. You know what this means, right? This means I have to find a copy on CD somewhere, since... argh!!! My powers of internet hunting have been thwarted. Jesus Wept does not exist in mp3 form!! (Seriously, all I want to hear is Downtown Venus! Also missing Ashley MacIsaac, a couple of tracks from Jann Arden, the Wallflowers and Tori's Under the Pink.)
*grumble* I did however, find some really old crap kicking around for my listening pleasure. (I am, however, loving the bass in the soles of my feet, my palms and my chest...I'll have to turn it down soon.)
This came up because I was thinking about my commutes to and from Nanai-hole... I remembered that I made myself some mix tapes to keep myself awake and I ended up taking a trip down nostalgia lane - ok, maybe nostalgia highway. I miss driving: just me and the tape deck and the road... Anyway, I made those tapes on Nomes' deck, I remember because I pirated a couple of her CD's to do it, since she has such an awesome, eclectic collection.
*Sigh* I should renew my licence! Haha! "Got my hands on the wheel Got my foot on the pedal Gonna drive till I drop Till the tires turn to metal" ...from Where No One Knows Me - Jann Arden
Kind of listening to the rain outside. Amend that: rain and traffic. I miss mom's place sometimes, where there is no traffic and all you can hear is the rain. Aah...
My brain is still active, in spite of the flu/cold/thing I've got that's trying to gum up the works. Have been thinking about relationships, no thanks to my recent reading material. So a question for you blog-friends. What is it people want out of a relationship? No less than unconditional love, yes? Support and comfort while you grow into whoever you're constantly becoming. So. Why is that so tough? Because it does get tough. I've heard it, seen it, lived it. One can only accept so much - and by that I mean, one can only accept so much that conflicts with their own way of being before things start to get... perhaps the word I'm looking for is 'uncomfortable'. Indeed, one can only bend to fit so much before the branch threatens to break. Ideally one should be met halfway, yes?
I've come to think that my biggest flaw - blessing or curse perhaps - is this inherent, ingrained need/desire to please. I want everyone to be content and I'll work to do what I can to achieve that. It's become a flaw because I have a tendency to overlook my own needs to do it. That's a problem.
I am a branch.
listening to: Republica - Bloke eating: fish and chips (screw cooking) feeling: introspective word of the day: phantasmagoria (say it out loud, I dare you...) craving: silence word count: 824 reading: nothing. brain's too full.
Today was omg busy. Functioning on half a brain, only one cup of coffee and no breakfast (bad!) made it stupid. By the time the Peon showed up i had enough paper spread out all over the place to wallpaper my apartment. Didn't get all sorted out until 5... ish. Have only been home for an hour or so now.
In other news: *sniff*... omg I think I'm in love. Freaking smells so good! mmmm, grapefruit and lemongrass.
Things that tickled my funny bone this week:
This morning as I was walking to work, I went past the new novelty lingerie shop near the mall and I happened to look in. In the window are all these pink themed frilly outfits - for men and women. Inside I see three, big-armed shaven-headed men, all in ripped jeans and utility belts just standing there talking. One's even got the gold chain and is gesturing in an important fashion. Right next to him is this slender male mannequin wearing a filly apron and a boa. It made me giggle something fierce.
Also: having 'the monthly' referred to as "the Russians"
There is something to be said for staying in bed when one is sick. It becomes ever more appealing when one is deprived of the option.
*sigh*
Last night was good. PJ's fresh from the dryer, sheets fresh from the dryer and a towel after the shower that was fresh (and still warm) from the dryer. May I have a repeat please?
Because seriously, I should have known how this way would go when I couldn't find my glasses this morning. I mean hello, I never ever take them off unless I'm washing my face, in the shower, or sleeping. Not a huge leap to guess where they were when I didn't find them in my drawer this morning, but kind of scary when I can barely see them without them... if you know what I mean. I stumbled into the bathroom and squinted in the sudden light at the poor excuse for a counter and sure enough, there they were. I am such a dork.
Had a very nice daydream while I was sitting - semi-stoned on cold medication, I might add - at the counter at work. Sitting near a window with a blanket and some pillows, the sun streaming in and making my hair all warm and soft... *blink* Watch me pass out at work. Wee points!
Tomorrow I will not forget my wallet at home so I do not have to eat whatever I find in the cupboards at work. Not that that soup wasn't good, it was just... far... too spicy. My lips feel twice as big as they should. (Sexay, no?)
anyway... scribbled this a while ago and found it just now... I like...
pixels, text a phantom caress... what moves beneath these words?
listening to: Muse - supermassive blackhole (...you set my soul alight...) eating: anything craving: cuddles word of the day: dishabille reading: the Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman
No books this weekend! *sob* Feel a little like 'hammered shit' to borrow a term from Venomen, so I decided to take it easy. Napped lots and I'm slightly medicated, but it seems I'm not kicking this thing the way I want to. Throat is still sore and the sinuses... ugh the sinuses... and strangely I don't sound sick. At least if I do I can't hear it... tho J says I sound awful. Gee. Thanks. (oh yes, and the bod's also decided to remind me I'm female... fabulous timing ya dork.)
Had a bit of drama across the hall... apparently our neighbours there had a dog. (And we all know how cranky-ass the new property management a-holes are about pets, don't we?) But they refused to give it up. Big dog too, a shepherd/rottweiler mix if I'm not mistaken. So there were cops and there was shouting and tears and whatever. The only one that didn't seem particularly put out was the dog. The landlady came by later to tell us that if we had any trouble with them to let her know. J didn't think to ask what kind she meant. *Just* what I need.
listening to: Balligomingo - Sweet Allure eating: nada craving: clear sinuses word of the day: concupiscence today's project: laundry (DONE) feeling: nngghhh reading: the last of Carnival - Elizabeth Bear (I need a new bus book!) watching: paint dry... actually this was on a few seconds ago... word count: Don't make me laugh...
Dreadangus: I'm going to a Turducken party tonight with Nanto Ishtarra: A who? Dreadangus: Turkey + Duck + Chicken. All shoved into each other with stuffing. Ishtarra: Weirdo Americans Dreadangus: Our fixation with shoving smaller things into slightly larger things Ishtarra: exactly Dreadangus: the foundation of our culinary and pornographic industries...
*three hours later*
Dreadangus: And for the record, turducken is about the tastiest abomination I've ever had. Goodnight!
Ended up not going to the book thing today. Lindsie wasn't feeling very well and when I went down to check it out the lineup was all the way around the block and down the next street. I waited in it a bit, but the line wasn't going very fast. There wasn't a wind, but it was still cold enough to give me a chill. Since I've got a nasty cold creeping up I decided to call it quits. I'll probably go tomorrow... take an extra sweater or something. ugh... the sinuses...
On my way out there I did get to see one of our resident falcons, she swooped up into one of the trees near where I was walking. I was worried since I'd not seen them for a while.
.. in other news... I wrote! None of it's in order, but at this point I don't give a crap. That can happen later. I just needed to get it out onto paper.
I just spent the last half hour laying on the living room floor... I love days off with the house to myself.
listening to: Moby - Where You End eating: mm guacamole today's project: NOTHING DAMMIT! word count: 2760 (omg!) word of the day: Schadenfreude watching: R.O.D episode 3: Let's Meet in the Jinbo-cho feeling: flat
Ow! Sonuva.... I love how my body likes to remind me that I'm not as strong as I used to be. *grumble* Need to swim more! Tomorrow maybe, if nothing else the floating part will make my back feel better!
"Can't give the Coalition that. If they didn't break something n purpose, they'd break it by accident." "Can they be educated?" "Have you met my species?"
My boss (the whirlwind) wasn't too keen on my suggestion for stress management today. Shit + fan is basically what happened in the other branch today. So not only were we worrying about government wankers quizzing our brains, but we had this buzz of *argh* happening in the background.
funny quote of the day: (This is right after I've just sold Pesos to two very made up twenty-somethings and their boy-toy tagalong who was eating an ice cream cone.) ME: What are you talking about? the peon: *laughs* the whirlwind: We were just debating whether licking or sucking was better, you know? me: and did you come to a conclusion? the whirlwind: ask him! the peon: well, you know, it depends on the situation!
Thank god for showers. I feel refreshed.
I should write things down, hell, even on my hand like I did in junior high, because I was going to blog about something and now I can't remember what it was. 0.o *curses*
But I do remember this: Nomes, if and/or when we ever get our butts over to the mainland, you wanna?
Listening to: Delerium - Fallen (feat. Rani) eating: more stew (re)reading: Hamlet "Ecstasy? My pulse as yours doth temperately keep time..." craving: a King apple feeling: placid
So I'm walking up the street with the groceries in one hand, and my oversize purse-ok-fine-it's-a-fucking-suitcase in the other and I've got like, three million things going on in my head. I kid you not. I get to the door and I'm fishing out my keys thinking, I really need a pen, because some of this is good shit, but where was I?
I mean, it starts out with kind-of-relevant to the day things, like: how am I going to word the intro on the staff meeting notes? or: I have to remember to key that order tomorrow morning, to something I read on the bus: I wonder how Bear came up with that idea for a trancendental alien race, was she watching too much star trek? (then I get distracted) I really need new shoes, these ones squeak, maybe I can go hunting for some Friday after work, what was that song that was on the radio this am, I should really look that up because it's still in my head and it's going to bug me if I don't... and then I dive right into the plethora of crap that's always roiling about in the back of my head: oh hey, I wonder what happened to Marlon and Aimee's mom, was she affected with the fever, and just what is the difference between an endemic, pandemic and an epidemic, I gotta look that up because that makes a difference to what happens in the story and oh hey, what if she didn't die of that, but the dad did because oh hey, I left him out, perhaps that's the reason she was a jade-head and then that would certainly explain... crap did I remember the onion?
Of course it's not exactly linear, but you get the drift.
It's that damn onion that makes the rest of it take a freaking hike. USB jack, WRU?
listening to: Ashley MacIsaac - Sleepy Maggie (I love Mary Jane Lamond's voice...) eating: stew reading: The Snow Queen - Joan D. Vinge craving: a sunbeam feeling: zoned word of the day: crescendo
Any recommendations for turning off the brain so I can sleep? Hrm? Anyone? (And no, I am not going to try my own as yet un-patented experimental frying pan sleep therapy. What do you take me for?)
Tomorrow is the dreaded 'hump' day. I may need my caffeine iv to make it through the day. Or a good swift kick in the ass. Ha. ha. Too many volunteers I think. *shakes fist*
Lindsie-loo, I like your idea. Same bat time, same bat channel? The same bat-place? (omg, not bat country! The bats! the bats!)
Nomes, thanks for your input. You rock face, as always. (I seriously need to come up with another term... cuz you know, face is so last year. =P) More fuel for the conflagration that is my brain. *wink* (Oh and omg yes... I love the title of your latest post. *roflmao*)
listening to: Kosheen - Like a Book eating: Chicken Caesar Salad reading: nada (the library is shut down *sob*) feeling: irritable, quirky
Had a long and intense conversation with my mother and the tribe this weekend about partners. Rather, being a partner in a relationship. My mind is full. What do you think, my friend-tribe? What does it mean to you to be a partner? Equality? Fairness? Is an ideal partnership made up of two independent people or codependent ones? Complimenting opposites? soul mates? Two parts of a whole? I found it really interesting getting their (for once) candid ideas on the subject. I think the wine helped.
And all I asked was how they'd managed to be together for 25 years or more.
listening to: Goldfrapp - Fly me Away reading: Shadow Unit, Episode 1 "Breathe" (yum) watching: R.O.D Episode 2 - Ride up, Oh Dregs of Humanity eating: leftover pizza craving: malibu for my pepsi feeling: spacey
General Meaning: What has traditionally been known as the Devil card expresses the realm of the Taboo, the culturally rejected wildness and undigested shadow side that each of us carries in our subconscious. This shadow is actually at the core of our being, which we cannot get rid of and will never succeed in taming. From its earliest versions, which portrayed a vampire-demon, this card evoked the Church-fuelled fear that a person could "lose their soul" to wild and passionate forces.
The image which emerged in the mid-1700's gives us a more sophisticated rendition -- that of the "scapegoated Goddess," whose esoteric name is Baphomet. Volcanic reserves of passion and primal desire empower her efforts to overcome the pressure of stereotyped roles and experience true freedom of soul. Tavaglione's highly evolved image (Stella deck) portrays the magical formula for harnessing and transmuting primal and obsessive emotions into transformative energies. As a part of the Gnostic message of Tarot, this fearsome passion and power must be reintegrated into the personality, to fuel the soul's passage from mortal to immortal.
Omg tired, and covered in cat hair. Now I need a weekend to recover from my weekend!
Have been making plans and figuring out the budget in my head... not a relaxing exercise by any means.
And apparently I can't say anything right...
listening to: Portishead - It could be Sweet easting: nada smelling: cooking chicken reading: raid strats for SSC today's project: figuring out what the hell I've done with the scissors! feeling: stressed
HA! I found my fleecey socks. I shall now be able to endure my mother's floor.
Presents, check. Socks, check. Bus tickets, check...
Heading up to Drunken Town to visit the parental unit, the cats and have a fitting for my uber delicious coat. I'm sad that it's going to be finished in time for spring, when I won't need it - but I'll probably wear it anyway. I can hear it now "aren't you warm in that?" "yeah, but isn't it yummy?" *sweats*
Ok, maybe not, but you get the idea.
listening to: Balligomingo - Wild Butterfly eating: an orange reading: Hamlet today's project: travel feeling: suspended
And this morning started out so well. My head was clear, it wasn't raining, it was Friday... Then along comes a pair of morons at about noonish and things start the downward slide. Not that they were the catalyst, but the generation of more paperwork should have been a red flag. I had to get out of there for a bit because even that little bit was threatening to make me lose my calm. I'd just finished eating my chinese, when IT calls and wants to update things, and then, practically as soon as I'm in the middle of transfers... the system takes a shit. A complete and total dump. No connection at all... I've never had to close manually before and I do NOT look forward to the hoop jumping and re-keying I'm going to have to do on Monday. I'm not going to think about it though. Counterproductive. There will be enough hair-pulling then without me getting a head start, yes?
Saw the Lindsie on the bus though, so that was good. She poked me because I didn't see her at the bus stop right away. Oops!
And now it sounds like the upstairs neighbours are either bench-pressing elephants or playing hopscotch in cement shoes. My vote's on the latter. >.>
*sigh* I have this thing about doing what I say I'm going to do. You know, that whole keeping your word thing and it irks me when something gets in the way of my doing so. Even if it is my own spaciness. And yes, I have been spacey... I apologize!
Just cleaned the kitchen. Well, the dishes and such. Floor's next. J said he'd do the kitchen this am, but I'm beating him to it. Going to have a quick shower to wash off the detergent before the itching drives me batshit.
wow funny of the day:
Ishtarra: Stop licking my frog! Buriel: better than a case of bourbon!
listening to: Goldfrapp - Train eating: taco pizza (yes, it's disgusting, but I love it - and no, I'm not pregnant) today's project: ... reading: nada craving: *cough* feeling: annoyed
you never know just how you look through other people's eyes
Hahaha!
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 20) A mixture of truth and fantasy keeps you on edge today as you attempt to keep these two worlds separate. Your judgment isn't off; it's just that reality can be very complicated now, making it hard to get your mind wrapped around the truth. Trusting your intuition is not a bad idea as long as you are ready to change your position as necessary.
wake-up music: Butthole Surfers - Pepper first thought: mmmm cinnamon
Sometimes I wish I were a cat, so I could curl up in one.
I wrote some and reread some. Sometimes I make myself giggle a little:
"Come crash at my place if you want." "Have you cleaned all the dog hair off your couch?" Marlon asked. "Of course not, I was saving it for you," Karolak smiled, sliding into the driver's seat.
Sleep now...
listening to: Delerium - Duende eating: spaghetti craving: cheese reading: fragments just watched: Transformers feeling: speculative
There is officially a black hole for socks in this house. That's right, that means no Valentine socks today because it ate one of mine. No pink rollerskating pigs for me! /cry.
Ishtarra licks Livi. Valjidor grabs Livi's ass. Livi bites Valjidor, ouch! Valjidor licks Livi. Risele: I guess we could pull more, all our healers do is sit around and lick each other. Shengor: haha Ishtarra: /hairball Risele: Lol Ish!
Think I'm still affected by the carbon monoxide incident from yesterday, since I'm still kind of nauseous. (It's too bad because that butter chicken was uber delicious last night. /sigh.) Some guy had parked outside the door of the office and when he started his car this cloud of bluish exhaust billowed inside. He must have had some kind of engine trouble, because it was an excessive amount and he wasn't even there for long. It floated inside and I could not get away from the smell of it. I even went outside for a few minutes after I started to get dizzy, even though that's really against the rules because I was there all by my lonesome, but I thought I was going to pass out. I turned all the fans on and even then it took a good couple of hours before at least the smell of it was gone, but the damage was done. Was kinda weird all day!
Oh, and I found out what the cannon fire was for. (Lindsie told me this am!) Something about an address from the throne - apparently they do this every time they open a season of parliament. Funny how I don't ever recall them firing the cannons before. I'm so spacey dammit!
Had one of those wake-up-every-three-minutes kind of nights last night. So many things in my head and not enough energy to sort them out. Bills, moving, applications, volunteering, moving, dreams. Omg the dreams... I've been having some exceptionally vivid (as in I'm there type vivid) ones of late - when I do sleep. /sigh.
Also, useless debates... I've been reading Carnival by Elizabeth Bear and I've been distracting myself with the politics. Speculative fiction does that to me (yes, I have this, as well as all the other crap running through my head. It's like streaming radio... dear god I want a usb jack for my brain!). I think the conflict will unravel around the central question of equality. The argument being, of course, is if it's possible for men and women to operate as equals in a society. It seems in a lot of fiction I've read that there always ends up being that whole powerful/powerless dichotomy no matter how you slice it - but is that the result of the society or the units that comprise it? You can throw biology and enlightenment into it all you want, but I think it comes down to the individual in the end. I'm curious to see how the novel pans out.
In other news, J's mom is again MIA... Not good.
mmm... gonna go peel some taters...
listening to: Muse - Stockholm Syndrome eating: again, nada (correction! seared cow flesh! mmm!) craving: still blackberry wine reading: my brain... o.0 feeling: sleepy
I had this riff stuck in my head most of the day and it took me forever to realize what song it was from... but it was Kosheen (surprise, surprise.)
We had sun today. You read that right. Sun. In February. I still had to wear the scarf of a million miles, but there was sun!
Also, for some reason someone was firing cannons from in front of the parliament buildings today. Have no idea why, but it made our whole building shake. I live in an eccentric city. =P
I saw Lindsie on the way to work today. We walked for three blocks and I forgot to ask her about weekend after next. Lindsie! We need to do lunch again!
listening to: Kosheen - Little Boy reading: Carnival - Elizabeth Bear eating: butter chicken and rice feeling: bottled
Spent a good day with Lindsie yesterday. We did lunch and talked til it got dark. We decided that we wouldn't go to jail because they would not allow us to have scissors there. Nor a paper cutter. Walked home in the freezing cold.
Did not buy anything, even though I was severely tempted by the sale at Staples.
Today I did not do the laundry like I had intended. I wrote nothing. I changed my desktop picture. I read a few pages of Pawn of Prophecy. Snarked a little at J. He snarked at me. Played a little WoW. Had a shower. Felt restless. Typed this. Thus, my Sunday.
listening to: Maroon 5 - This Love todays project: not killing something eating: nada reading: a story
Vertigo in the shower is not a good thing. Should have eaten today, but the migraine was making me nauseous.
My head's full of music and words and images, but none of it wants to get out on the page.
Head's full of crap too, which is probably why the blockage and the migraine. I am sick of the house hunting thing. Saw one tonight that was omg gross. Person in it before was a smoker... and was obviously not into cleaning because there was nicotine residue all over everything. Not to mention it was in one of the more *cough* pleasant *cough* areas of town. I think it's coming down to an act of desperation. That's right... waiting lists. I just want my damn cats back dammit.
I want some answers, I want what I can't have, I want, I want, I want.... how to get there... how...
listening to: Kosheen - Wish feeling: introspective today's project: surviving reading: Pawn of Prophecy - David Eddings
