So very tired. I do not recommend 'talking' until 2am, staying awake until 4am, getting up at 7am for work and fighting with a migraine for most of the day. I'm going to bed now and I am going to sleep. Please? Brain? Shut-up already.

However, the cow was awesome. It was devoured in record time! Yum.

I wants a Fluffy Bunny of Doom !!!!<3

omg /faceplant

Makings for a strange Sunday:

1 hungover and slightly "adhesive" J (check)
2 piles of laundry that needs doing (check)
a staff meeting that I really don't want to go to this evening (check)
no energy (check)

The brain is still full of things. Nomes you made me think damn you! Actually, it's kind of interesting now that there is more time between the actual event(s) and the thinking about it. You're right, I'd shoved some of that waaay back into the dark. *cough*

UGH.... I hate it when there is some less-than-enjoyable thing set for so late in the day, because I spent the rest of my day waiting for it. It's like I can't sink my teeth into anything really good because I'm going to have to put it down sooner rather than later - yes, it's completely psychological, but there you are, that's how my brain is working today. Grr.

Also: DIE you stupid cold, just DIE already. Nono, that's DIE!!

listening to: Bic Runga - Precious Things
eating: uhm...*rummages in the fridge*
craving: a side of cow... omfg anaemia
reading: Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
word count: minimal
word of the day: Existentialism
feeling: meditative
headspace: the basement, hunting through dusty boxes and rusted cages

Captain Jean-Luc Picard VS President George W. Bush

Willyb: Ok, and you guys gotta get in a half-circle thing, this guy does an AOE
Ishtarra: that's a horseshoe people, ...a horse....shoe...oh come on, did you all fail shapes in preschool? .... ok... Blob. that works.
Elande: what do you expect from drunk people?
Yulie: It's a mutant horse
Elande: teenage mutant ninja turtles!
Cashcow: It's a blob shoe
Jomi: That was a good cartoon
Yulie: Wait! I see a smiley face!
Ishtarra: let's have another!

Ishtarra: Will? did you qwerty?
Williamein: Sorry! No, I was watching Lake Placid in Spanish
*laughter over vent*
Williamien: "Aye Caramba! Es el crocodillo gigante!!!"
*more laughter*
Elande: kill order?
Celtix: skull, then x, then whatever else is moving
Elande: I like that plan
Ishtarra: ready check!
Yulie: silly wabbit ready checks are for kids
Ishtarra: but it makes me happy Yulie
Yulie: You're a pervert
Ishtarra: who told?
Williamein: Crocodillo GIGANTE!!!!
*giggles*

Willyb: oh these cherries are good
Ishtarra: don't say that if you're not going to share!
Teacka: you're making me jealous!
Cashcow: you mean Tolgees isn't willing to share his cherry?
Ishtarra: I know, how weird is that?
Williamein: GIGANTE!
*much giggling*
Yulie: ok, no more spanking for Willie, it's affecting his performance

Williamein: no matter how drunk you are, you can't fall off the floor!

Labels: WoW Chat funnies

Wow. Had a lovely bit of writing on the novel this morning, solved one problem to discover another and now I have the task of redoing the time line. Sounds so simple, doesn't it but omg... my brain hurts just thinking about it. But I killed a character, finally! What? he had it coming! Oh don't look at me like that.

Seriously though, I feel pretty damned good about how much I got down on paper this time - in scenes even. Screw the time line for now. I am a-feared I will have to print the whole boogered thing out and play musical chapters. I tried naming them all for ease at one point, but now I'm too cluttered since I added that last thread.

Still kind of stuffy-headed too, actually, so while the brain is churning out new material the logistics of the time line are just too much for the amount of brain I do have.

Need. A. Break.

J has been attending the Dart-a-thon off and on this weekend. Last night he came home so drunk he couldn't walk a straight line - nor could he stop giggling. He's headed off again to do some more drinking... or not he says. He tried to convince me to go with him again, but you know. Drunk rednecks throwing sharp objects around - two of which I have some choice things to say to even though I shouldn't. I really really shouldn't. So. I'm not going. Besides, all they have to drink is beer and I'm not in the mood for beer. Want to write more, frankly.

listening to: Kosheen - Catch
eating: salt and vinegar chips (ouchies my tongue!)
today's project: laundry, dishes
word count: 3545
non-novel count: 2014
word of the day: expatriate
feeling: accomplished
headspace: the future sound of the coast...

So the Peon was away in Hawaii for most of last week with his families. Before he left, the Whirlwind sort of casually remarked that it'd be nice if he brought back some Macadamia nuts. When he arrived yesterday, it was with a bag of said nuts in hand. He gives them to the whirlwind who grins and asks. "So can we eat your nuts?" to which he replies: "Sure!" Much cackling ensues.

We are SO mature.

While I was away convalescing yesterday the whirlwind used her lunch break for some retail therapy. She showed me the shoes today, which are really quite cute - as are all her shoes. As she's taking them back to her office, the Peon and I hear her squeal.
"OMG! Sexy shoes!!" So I turn to the Peon and say: "And that my friend, is what we call, a shoe-gasm." To which remark he snorted his water rather spectacularly.

In other news:

Dear J,
Please learn to chew your spaghetti noodles. I have now lost my appetite.
Thank you.
~S
P.S. it was otherwise a lovely meal!

I have been reading some old journal and blog entries in an attempt to stir the creative juices. There's not much creative, but there's still some flowing, thanks to this goddamn cold. Feeling markedly better after a second coming-home early and napping for inordinate hours though. Thank you Peon for taking my closing shift, I needed that time!

listening to: Kosheen - Wish You Were Here
eating: Chicken Caesar
word of the day: languid
feeling: like I have cotton shoved in my head
headspace: Terre D'Ange

For the record, "cherry" nyquil tastes like crap....

Home from work today.

It's amazing how a two hour nap and a shower where I steamed the crap out of my nasal passages makes one feel more human. I could have easily slept more, and normally I simply cannot sleep when it's light out. Can't deny that I am definitely sick. I asked J to wake me up so that I would actually sleep tonight - waking up at 4am is not my idea of a good morning!

listening to: Chantal Kreviazuk - waiting for the Sun
today's project: getting less sick
eating: whatever I can find
craving: oranges
watching: R.O.D. Episode 12
want to see: Coraline
word count: *cough*
word of the day: analgesic

This weekend was very good. I got to spend some time with all of my favourite people. Nomes and I spent most of Saturdays talking and walking... think I tired her out tho. Did you sleep Nomes? At least a little until you were so rudely awakened by the SO?

And most importantly today: Happy Birthday Two-Shot! Weee!

My cats are fatter. Kitten has her ruff back, but I think she's stressing out because she's losing hair at an alarming rate. I want them back dammit. You never really realize how much they run your life until they're absent. I miss my furballs - they both slept with me, but the kitten spent more time snuggling than Cinder, which is unusual, so I think she really misses me. It was nice to have the purrs so close.

Ok, here's something for old times sake... ok scratch that, it's because I felt like it and I'm grumpy so go with it or I might bite you. Cheers.

A) Four jobs I have had in my life (other than current job):
>Kennel, where I got to walk dogs, groom dogs, train dogs and shovel shit
>Ladies Wear, where I learned how to sell ice to a penguin
>A Nanny for what turned out to be a stripper
>Customer service rep, where I got to sit in a cubicle and get abused by Americans all day

B.) Four movies I would watch over and over:
>Constantine
>The Fifth Element
>Stigmata
>Kingdom of Heaven
>Serenity
(there are more...)

C.) Four places I have lived
>on a farm
>on a boat
>in a trailer
>in a house

D.) Four TV shows that I watch
>Jericho
>Alias
>Firefly
>Heroes

E.) Four places I have been:
>England
>France
>Belgium
>Greece

F.) People who e-mail me (regularly):
>My mother
>Nomes
>Kerry
>the spam monster

G.) Four of my favourite foods:
>fresh fruit
>fresh veggies
>cheese
>fresh bread (especially raisin bread)

H.) Four places I would rather be right now:
>a beach
>a mountaintop
>in bed
>Greece

J.) Four Things I am looking forward to this year:
>summer
>wearing dresses
>finishing something
>a haircut

K.) Four favourite authors:
>Jacqueline Carey
>Caitlin R. Kiernan
>Neal Gaiman
>Charles de Lint

listening to: computer hum
eating: easter jellybean overdose
today's project: laundry (check!)
pet peeve of the day: colds
word of the day: mesozoic
word count: *laughs hysterically*
reading: Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
craving: more sleep
feeling: muzzy and sick
headspace: jumbled... the secretary has pulled a bunch of old files and is attempting to reorder them in light of new information.

Your word is the only thing you have. If you give your word to someone that you will do something and you do not, you are breaking your word. In essence you are breaking trust, because you have entered into a verbal contract with that person by making a promise to them. If you keep that promise you earn the respect of that person and your word then gains greater value because that person knows he or she can depend on you.

It takes longer to build respect than it does to destroy it.

listening to: Jann Arden – Living Under June
eating: Roasted Bell pepper Lime Tortilla chips
pet peeve of the day: ignorance
word of the day: lachrymose
word count: minimal
reading: just finished Deerskin - Robin McKinley
craving: an orange
feeling: melancholy
headspace: the lower ionosphere of some swampy primordial planet

Sad! Arthur C. Clarke died today.

Happy St. Paddy's!

omfg....COLD

We just walked about another section of the city looking for vacancies. I was looking at the listings earlier this afternoon when mom called to growl at me about when-were-we-going-to-have-a-new-apartment-because-she's-feeling-a-might-put-out-right-now omg... Yeah. that was basically the gist of it.

I hate this city. Actually that's a lie, what I hate is the fact that everyone wants to live here, and as a result finding an apartment seems to be like looking for a needle in a haystack. I don't quite understand it either, others seem to have little trouble and I'd really like to know what it is I'm doing wrong. I think my name is on waitlists for nearly half the buildings in the city, kitty-friendly or not. Any suggestions?

I went shoe shopping on Friday. I went to every store in the mall and the ones not in the mall and I did not find anything. Ok, I lie, I found three pairs I liked. One did not come in black, one came only in half sizes and the other, well, the one pair they had in my size happened to have a hole in the stitching. *frowns* The planets were not in alignment.

Had a rehash with J again last night (surprise) after he kindly downloaded the patch for WoW on Thursday and updated my mods. He gets prickly with me when he's got other things on his mind and it takes forever to get the real story out of him. I was still a bit angry with him about the MSP thing that he said he'd get to - and anyway, it turned out to be a *charming* evening. Still only half-sure what's eating him and there's nothing I can do about that particular parasite - it's something he has to pull his socks up and just do. I can't (and won't) do it for him since it's his monster. If he really wanted my support he'd talk to me about it. yes? Seems logical to me.

*sigh*

Have been thinking very hard - between bouts of fury and apathy - about everything. Love, life, depression, oppression, faith, belief, self-confidence, desire, control...

One of the things on my mind has been Nomes' post about faith and it got me thinking and scribbling various little rants here and there, but I don't know if I'm at all clear or hell, even on topic... let me just spew some crap and you can take what you want from it, eh?

Now, I don't believe in fate either, there are too many variables in every day life to make predestiny realistic for me. Besides, it kind of destroys the idea of free will, and completely negates the struggle we all have when we are required to make choices. As in, what's the point of making a choice because whatever's going to happen will happen no matter what I do. This is also similar to why I do not hold to any one "organized" religion; because the idea of a solitary god meddling in the minutiae of everyone's life is just a tad a) narcissistic and b) convoluted.

However, that doesn't mean I don't think things happen for no reason. Human beings have this ability to reason which is what causes, in part, these existential crises. Who are we? What are we in relation to the universe and scariest of all: why are we here? (And then, of course, is the 'what happens after death' question that is, again, another argument.) Religion attempts to make sense of these questions, to give purpose. Something to hang on to. For many, it works. It's comforting to have a system to impose on the world; a filter through which to understand and interpret the things that happen to us, and our emotional reactions to them. (Of course it is a system not without it's flaws.)

I think that everything that happens to a person affects who they are, with or without that filter. Anything can have a profound influence on a person, be it being scared out of your wits by your sister in the woods when you were four, or surviving a car accident when you were 20, or even something as simple as someone missing your birthday, can alter how you perceive the way the world works. I like to see these things as lessons, for the simple fact that we do learn from them. What we learn is not up to the gods' either, it's up to the individual and is a culmination of the things we've already learned and experienced. How we interpret these 'lessons' are often affected by our role models as well. Children internalize far more of their surroundings than we realize (as demonstrated by little Nakeeta once upon a time in Nanai-hole) and so we carry those things with us until (or if) we consciously decide to excise them - in fact it's probably safe to say that we still, as adults, internalize far more than we are consciously aware of.

As for faith in something, I'd seriously just like to have faith in people - that no one is just out for themselves, but actually gives two shits about everyone else. This is either terribly naive, or a sign that cynicism hasn't completely overtaken my poor brain. I think this is what is causing a lot of my negative feelings at the moment; the repeated demonstration that people are basically selfish and some even have a very hard time stepping out of that 'me' zone to even be aware that that what they do is affecting those around them. Because of my desire to believe in people, I have been more than willing to forgive things that I perhaps should not have overlooked.

So why do I want to believe that people are inherently good? Because I think that all anyone really wants is to be loved. Loved, appreciated, valued, call it what you want. How they behave is a direct result of whether or not they feel like they are loved or valued whether it is conscious or not.

listening to: Delerium - Euphoria
today's project: some laundry
eating: Nectarine, perogies are a cookin'
word of the day: irascible
word count: not enough
fragment of the day: "He stared up at the shifting colours that covered SIDIA's interface screen, felt them shift over his face, colour the room. Just what it was SIDIA was meant for was something he did not know, was sure he did not want to. But he had to, now that Polly was gone."
quote of the day: Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
lyric of the day: "and then you throw me back..." from Crawling - Kosheen
wtf of the day: "I'm sorry, you're not the primary on this account, I can't talk to you without faxed permission." *blink* So yesterday was a fluke?
pet peeve of the day: the way my nails feel after I've done all the dishes
reading: Deerskin - Robin McKinley
want to watch: The Forbidden Kingdom
watching: movie trailers
craving: salt and pepper squid from Forum
feeling: frustrated (common theme much?)
headspace: spin, spin sugar

oppression, depression, faith, belief, self-confidence, desire, control: you cannot control and faith is giving up control.It's about control in a way. The world throws you a curve ball and you can change your perception of the situation by imposing the parameters of your world view on it - but you have to have faith in that world view or said curve ball will shatter it.

Faith is surrendering control (or rather, the illusion of control) and is not necessarily connected with religion. (Like spirituality is not necessarily connected with religion.)

Personally, I'd like to have faith in human nature. I'd like to trust that every person is out to treat others well in the hopes that others treat him/her well. But then, we all know how well the practise works out versus the theory, don't we?

Wow

I wrote!

listening to: The Secret Meeting - Blacker than Blue
word count: 1157 (zomg Arika kicks ass)
word of the day: machete
quote of the day: "What, you going to hack me to pieces army boy?" she asked and was rewarded with a grimace.
reading: Deerskin - Robin McKinley

S: ...cuz you know, our quadrupeds are still at my mothers
J: Well, I could walk around on all fours for you
S: I'm sorry, that's just a little too kinky for me

that's how the light gets in...

listening to: Leonard Cohen - Anthem

Time change = teh suck.

listening to: Synaesthesia - Lumia
eating: taco salad (no a salad won't kill you...)
feeling: exhausted
headspace: unresolved...what?

(fragments yes, but still... words!)

I wake before I hit
unforgiving earth,
heart in my mouth
an exhausted dreamer...

word count: 2988 (total)

I had every intention of getting somewhere either with the novel or with some poetry, which I have been neglecting in the last little while. My head's been full, as I'm sure you've noticed. It's still full, which usually means it's an optimal time for something to come out onto the paper - even if it turns out to be crap, now and then there's a gem of a line I can use later but today. Well. Today I have a few lines. I have a laundry hamper full of clothes that need to be washed, a semi-clean kitchen. There are sirens blaring in the street.

I'm staring at this bloody blank page and I want to fill it up...but nothing comes.

In other news, I have found the mother lode which is probably only rivalled by Project Gutenberg in yumminess.

*phone rings*

fuck.

listening to: Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
today's project: laundry (perhaps after the maintenance dude's done)
word count: 1128
word of the day: prevaricate
wtf of the day: see below
things that do not taste good together: rum and toothpaste (the misadventures of yesterday)
lyric of the day: Everybody's in the castle, faster sleep/Wake up, stupid beauty/No time to be weak (Kosheen - Chances)
quote of the day: For thee to whom I do good, thou harmest me the most. ~Sappho
reading: Sappho
eating: a nectarine
watching: red on white
feeling: frustrated
headspace: stunned, stunning, spinning, words behind the floodgates

*phone rings*
*glare*
*phone rings*

S: hello?
J: can you do me a favour?
S: like what?
J: can you look up the numbers for low-income housing?
S: ooook?
J: Yeah, we need a two-bedroom
S: we do...?
J: Yeah. Seems the kiddo's mom's fiance wants to pay her to leave
S: He wants to pay your daughter - your fourteen year old daughter, to leave.
J: yeah.
S: he wants to pay her to leave.
J: yes, that's why she called last night.

*thinks: you couldn't have told me this last night?*

S: he wants to PAY her
J: yeah. plane ticket and everything
S: and mom's ok with this?
J: that's why I want to talk to her. I want all the legal shit taken care of.
S: what a fucking prick!
J: yeah. so. Can you do that for me?

*pause, takes a deep breath*

S: sure
J: gives you something to do
S: like I had nothing to do?
J: oh no, keep writing, this can wait. I can do it tomorrow if necessary but - you know. I'm stressing out about this.
S: No shit. I can see that.
J: I just want to see if the government can help out with this. I know there is some shitty housing out there and I want to get into some of the nicer ones
S: so you're telling me the prick wants to pay a KID to leave and we have to look for subsidized housing because of it.
J: basically

*sigh*

S: I'll take a look when I've got a few
J: thanks. I'll call again later

*puts the phone down and stares at the cursor blinking madly on the page*

Seriously, what an asshole. The whole fucking thing stinks to the lowest of the nine hells if you ask me. Ok fine, the kiddo may be one of the most spoiled little princesses out there but for crying out loud. What the hell kind of mother would allow some jackass, in love with him or not, to ship her daughter off to another province? Especially when she made such a huge fuss about having her move away with her in the first place! Now the kiddo doesn't fit in her happy-picture and whammo. One selfish bitch that's who. Either that or holy hell that man must be one controlling, manipulative jerkoff. Fucking deserve each other. (Oh, I'm sorry, but if you start dating someone and they already have kids, in my mind it's a package deal. You take it all or you take a hike.) OMFG. Oh My Fucking God. Excuse me but I want to go smash some sense into someone's head.

I mean, come on, there are people out here with their biological clocks ticking with no solution in sight and some stupid cow wants to get rid of her own child because said child isn't doing what she wants her to because she spoiled her rotten. (And yes, I realise that it may be a little drama-queen scheme, but the idea still pisses me right the hell off.)

*phone rings*

GRR!

Builthordtuf: someone is trying to sell cell phones
Mandorallen: SELL PHONES!
Mandorallen: :D
Mandorallen: *badum*
Mandorallen:What no "shut up Mando that was awful"?
Chrome: shut up Mando

Entrion: DIE YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
Zartundi: I love it when you whisper sweet nothings like that to me

Dreadangus: Dear Chrome
Dreadangus: Epic, epic fail
Dreadangus: Love, Dready
Chrome:Rofl, where' the PS
Dreadangus: PS 8===D
Livi: Whoa, what?
Celtix:Hey now, Livi is here, none of that
Chrome:I'm sorry dread
Havlock: That's pretty small dread
Dreadangus: yes, yes you are
Chrome: I'm sorry your penis is so small
Dreadangus: Least mine's an outie
Chrome: ROFL
Chrome: hey!
Dreadangus: ZING!

Nantosuelta: I dunno, are you hearing things?
Derocus: I'm hearing things, lol
Ishtarra: think you need to see a doctor
Cerridwen: Me too, since he's dead and all

Mandorallen: mind if I lift the shoulders for grins and giggles?
Dreadangus: Whatever blows your skirt up there sugarpants

Zachariel: ok, that's disturbing
Havlock: What? interspecies naked tank dancing is fun
Caerbonnicat: wtf?

Caerbonnicat: Nar
Ishtarra: nar?
Ishtarra: is that a pirate negative?

Venomen: they bit me in the ASS
Stalwart: think they bit a little more than that
Stalwart: bit your head off too
Venomen: hope they choke on my underwear

Entrion: Why are there 2 flaming kittens running around my deck?
Ishtarra: They're sexually liberated?
Caerbonnicat: ROFL
Cloudhorn: Hmm, an interesting name for a guild right there (if it could fit)
Cloudhorn: "Sexually Liberated Animal Children"
Cloudhorn: SLAC if you will
Ishtarra: rofl!

Boon: lfg SL Heroic double daily
Lightshow: I'll give you "Double Daily"
Kolly: We on Jeopardy?
Lightshow: I'll play your game you rogue
Lightshow: The Rapists for 20!
Sinisther: Anal Bum Cover
Kolly: Ape tit for 200, alex
Lightshow: Bone Ape Tit
Sinisther: The Penis Mightier!
Lightshow: The Penis Mightier!
Tolgees: Tits? where?

Kolly: I've got the blue things
Willyb: You mean blue balls?
Kolly: oh I've had those for about 2 months now
Rhavin: TMI, TMI
Ishtarra: I think you've killed Rhav
Willyb: What?
Rhavin: On the list of things I don't need to know, that's right near the top
Willyb: Oh really? Well, I've got one for you then Rhav
Rhavin: please no
Ishtarra: Oh gawd
Willyb: Is it gay if you can suck your own cock?
Rhavin: Uuuh...
Ishtarra: Doesn't that fall into the category of "self-love"?
Rhavin: You know, I wouldn't really call that gay since it only really involves yourself and hell, if you can actually do that, all the power to you!
Willyb: You're never going to talk to me again are you Rhav?
Rhavin: Oh but Tolgees I so enjoy our intellectual conversations
Willyb: You know Ishy got really quiet
Ishtarra: omg, tears... can't type...

Labels: WoW Chat funnies

Control and letting go. Self-worth. Respect. Resentment. Trust. Objectification. Privacy and personal space. Emotional needs. Language and communication versus behaviour. Interpretation. Awareness. The minefield that is a relationship.

I just finished reading that love languages book and it has a little of Thich Nhat Hanh's mindfulness approach coming through to me. Apparently being aware, or taking an active interest in being aware of your partners needs etc is essential to communicating and living together. The "duh" factor is huge, but for some reason people lose sight of this so often - including yours truly. I guess we get too close, too caught up in how we feel to think about what others are feeling. We resent because the other's not fulfilling their part of the bargain - because a relationship is a bit like a bargain: I'll love you, if you'll love me. ('course, in a perfect world there wouldn't even be that condition.) You enter into it because the other person can meet, or is supposed to meet an emotional need. No one person can be the everything for someone else and that would be unfair and unrealistic to expect that of someone, however, it's not unfair to expect support from the one person you decide to have as your partner.

So. You fall in love. For a while that person can do no wrong. You think it's cute he/she wants to spend every second with you and you even allow it because, well, let's face it, you love him/her! But eventually, when the omg-I-love-you phase fades you tend to revert back to your real self. (I think it's weird that we alter our behaviour in the first place - which makes me think that biologically we weren't meant to be monogamous, because otherwise the hormone/headrush in-love part wouldn't cause us to lose sight of our self the way it does. But we're supposed to be beyond biology, aren't we?) Anyway, that's when the conflicts begin, if they haven't already. One wants some alone time and the other feels hurt because her partner doesn't want to spend time with her anymore. Fight. One slips up and the other feels like he's losing his mate and thus tries to influence or control her behaviour in an attempt to keep her and ends up suffocating her right out of his life. Fight.

For Mr. Chapman it's all because we overlook what it is the other is really asking for. The first wants quality time and so his partner should choose to work to give some of that to her partner in order for him to be able to respect her need for privacy and personal space. Following? In the second instance Chapman would say the first was not giving his spouse space to win back his love and trust, which perhaps she was missing from him in the first place because he was failing to identify what it was she really needed to feel those things from him. So as a result they were both destroying each other's self-worth because at least one of them was taking the other for granted.

I might even go so far as to say that taking someone for granted is a form of abuse. It's abuse because it's neglect. Abuse is anything that makes a person feel worthless, unappreciated, insignificant, etc. Somewhere, someone's not holding up their part of the bargain by being oblivious, not taking the time to realise that the other person is suffering and the person who is suffering may not even be able to articulate what's wrong because he or she may not be able to focus on where the feeling is coming from. They may even be afraid to bring it up for fear of ridicule or other emotional blackmail. i.e "You're only saying that to make me feel sorry for you," or some such crap.

So one of them takes a step back and says: "hey, I fell in love with you for a reason, let's try and fix this." He/she sits his partner down and requests that they work on things and maybe even has some suggestions, but that's not going to go anywhere unless both actually do the work. Because it is work. I think that's the one thing that the tribe, the friends and the books all agreed on. It is work and half of that is identifying things in your self that may not be all that comfortable for you (he, she, it, I) to deal with.

The one thing Mr. Chapman missed was baggage. Everyone has it. Some are more proficient/willing/able to deal with it than others. Some baggage can directly affect how a you (he she etc..) interacts with other people and even if your partner is the most supportive, loving person on the planet, you are not going to start treating that person right until you've figured out why what you're doing is wrong - not only for him/her, but for you. Perhaps an example. Say you grow up with no real emotional support network. Your parents fight all the time, often coming to blows and really have no time for you. They criticize you, and each other, they never seem to appreciate you or manage to express that they value you. Maybe you even leave home at a young age to escape the situation. Then you meet someone you click with - how do you express love? What are your models? Your parents and perhaps what you've witnessed elsewhere, but in all honesty it probably comes down to what you first encountered. If you are not aware of where that comes from, not aware how those first experiences affected you and your current behaviour, you are not going to be a proficient lover of your partner and are perhaps destined for the same kind of relationship your parents experienced. I'm not saying this is 100% true, but the fact remains that ignoring your past experience as the mold for your current behaviour/self is like ignoring the lump you find one day in the shower. Leave it too long and it gets to be too late. Part of the work here is learning new behaviours for expressing how/what you feel/need.

I may edit later... now, I need groceries...

I'm thinking out loud. I'm playing magpie with facts and theories and emotions. If you feel the need to add, argue or suggest, please do.

listening to: Sia - Breathe Me
today's project: the kitchen, boxes, groceries
pet peeve of the day: having to wash the sink before washing the dishes
eating: tortilla chips
word count: dismal
word of the day: ardor
reading: Ariel - Sylvia Plath
lyric of the day: "see myself in the pouring rain/i watch hope come over me" (Moby - South Side)
watching: Baz Luhrmann's version of Romeo and Juliet (last night that is. It's still in my head. "Quarrel! I will back thee!")
feeling: thoughtful
mental space: somewhere between epiphany and a slip over the edge

Jumping the gun a bit perhaps, but food for thought about publishing...

I like sleep. I should do some more of it.

One more day. It will be long. There will be weird people. There will be growling from the Whirlwind. There will be no coffee.

Thinking. Don't poke me. I might bite - and frankly, I don't know if you taste good.

listening to: Balligomingo - Heat
Words of the day: Ubuntu, duende
eating: er...
feeling: suspended

I've been accused I've been abused
Sometimes misused and yes confused
A loaded pen I dip again
Another trigger happy friend

I don't know why I continue to fly
In the face of reason
Something inside me just clicked
Like a tick from an awful season

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing

I've been afraid to drive at night
I've been a sinner such a lonely sight
Not qualified not rarefied
I persevere I give it all my might

I don't know why you continue to cry
That I'll never make it
At least there's some truth
To the fact you know I just cannot fake it

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing

Under the gun under the gun
I'm swimming through the sun
I ain't tripping on a thing ...

listening to: Supreme Beings of Leisure - Under the Gun

Thank you Lindsie for the latest instalment of Tiny String. C'est yum.

That is all.

Willyb: I'm wearing the boob shoulders
Ishtarra: That's only because no one ever showed you how to put a bra on properly
Willyb: Well that's because I'm usually only interested in taking them off!

Kanakawe: Omg the banker's talking dirty to me!
Balthezar: wtf...
Kolly: ?
Kanakawe: He just told me he had what I needed
Balthezar: lol
Kolly: Never does that with me :(
Kanakawe: but I don't THINK so
Kanakawe: he's undead
Kolly: Note to self: re roll as a hot twink
Balthezar: hehe
Kanakawe: Things have probably rotted off
Balthezar: undead into cows?
Kolly: Maybe he likes steak?
Balthezar: interesting
Kanakawe: but then how does he think he's going to give me what I need?
Kanakawe: he has no idea what my needs are!
Balthezar: Prosthetics
Kanakawe: sicko
Balthezar: loan him your strap on
Balthezar: Jam, take it off... I said loan it to him.. not wear it
Kolly: But it looks so cool as a hat
Premonition: why are we talking about a strap on?
Kanakawe: omg
Kanakawe: I am so blogging that

Labels: WoW Chat funnies

Ok. I admit it. I'm addicted to WoW... but I can't help wanting the new Xpac... I mean seriously, they're basing the new landmass at least partially on Canada! (Grizzly hills, at least! I mean look at the images! Not to mention the Tuskarr's stone markers bear a striking resemblance to inukshuk...)

Yeah, I'm guilty of the archive swim now and then. I came across this post Nomes wrote last year. Thanks for expressing

Yes mother, I actually *do* have a plan. Sort of. It just depends on a few things. (In all honesty I hate the waiting part.) No, you won't have to keep my cats for that much longer, lol! (it seems my darling furballs have initiated my mother into the world of plastic-bag-eating that seems to be their favourite late night pastime.)

listening to: the Aerosmith that's playing on J's comp *sings* "dude looks like a lady!" ... I can't believe I know the words!
eating: leftoverstew (yes, i meant to spell it like that)
feeling: chilled
today's project: month end paperwork (done!)
word of the day: Synonymous
craving: pad thai, potato skins, calamari and/or red grapes, not necessarily in the same order, nor at the same time
Witticism I came up with after the fact: I may be younger than you, but you don't have to remind me to wash behind my ears... (I guess you had to be there.)

Trust me to find a way to cut my toe with an ice cube. Yeah. An ice cube. Don't ask me how, because I don't know and I was there. One word: ouch.

I get to start my summer schedule this week, which is good on the one hand, because I get an extra day off, a weekday, so I can do useful things, like volunteer somewhere. The applications went off yesterday - yes, I had to apply - so wish me luck! However it's not so cool for the fact that it means the 4 days I'm on are longer... I'll be at work for 10 hours give or take and barring any unforeseen fan + shit scenarios.

I don't like those. Let's keep them to a minimum, shall we?

In other news, mom bought a car. I'm allowed to talk about it now because it's done, but she bought a Honda Fit in grey. She says it's supposed to last her 'til she's eighty. She's never bought a new car before and I must say I'm rather proud of her for just going ahead and doing it. And now I don't have to worry about her driving around in a car that's being held together with duct tape and rust. (God that thing was getting scary.)

Funny of the day:

Cloudhorn: I need to kill a guy and take his stuff
Teacka: Hmm, that somehow sounds familiar
Irukazi: I do that to homeless people all the time
Cloudhorn: it's the basis of the entire WoW economy...
Teacka: Darwin did say it best... survival of the fittest

listening to: Synaesthesia - Orion Nebula
today's project: uhm...
word count: *cough* 852
word of the day: haruspex
feeling: frustrated to the point where I might want to break something... aka retro pms...
craving: sleep

My happy bunny calendar says: "Your ugliness cheers me up."

So very tempted to toss the jacket in the hall closet that J's not worn, ever, since I've known him. It's leather and still reeks of smoke. I only know this because I just went into that closet to get out the vacuum. It must have some kind of sentimental value or something, which is slightly odd, because I've not known J to attach any kind of sentimental value to anything. Except for that purple tie dye atrocity of a tank top that's really little more than a hole with edges, but I digress.

Not like me at all... I seem to attach sentimental value to a whole lotta crap. Moving is so going to suck. 'Course, I am attempting to get rid of some of it. I mean what am I going to do with cassettes now? I'm hardly going to buy a tape deck to listen to all 20 of them so, those are on the 'see ya later' pile. This is me dreading the fact that I may have to cull the book collection at some point, in all honesty.

sigh... too much.

Nomes. I made a list too. It sucks.

J'll be home in an hour or so. Time to get my ass off the floor, lol! (I'll have you know that laying on the floor is very comfortable... especially when your brain is elsewhere like mine has been all day. I've been journeying in memory land, and then in novel-land. All in all a good day, despite the germ party that seems to be happening in my sinuses.)

listening to: Peter Gabriel - Steam
eating: tortilla chips
feeling: writerly
novel word count: 1270
mistype of the day: 'out of body vertigo'
today's project: vacuuming, tidying The Desk (omg THAT's where my favourite pen went!)
watching: Jericho - Season 1, Episode 11 - Vox Populi
word of the day: vade mecum

I've been meaning to write this for some time, to go with a couple other vignettes I've had the presence of mind to record - for myself mostly. Nomes reminded me of it earlier in the month when I suggested to her that we might check out the roller derby thing. Not that I can skate, of course, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. Hehe. Anyway, we also talked about one night in Nanai-hole that involved my exes' car and she said something about my raw aggression. It's funny how certain episodes stick out in your mind - and in others.

Anyway, it was December. I only know this because I wrote about it in the diary I stopped writing in 5 years ago. We'd had a 'night in' drinking and just being in the same space. The girls, Miss E, Nomes, Tabs, and I (there may have been at least two others, but I do not recall) sat in the kitchen drinking 'girly' drinks (aka, not beer) while the boys, RJ, the other R, Glyn, Ian, my then-boyfriend RB and DD either watched movies or, more likely, played a racing game. It might even have been a version of Gran Turismo. Anyway, I was the only one that was really sober, so when it came time for Nomes and RB and I to go home I was handed the keys to RB's car.

A word about this POS car before we go any further: I am still convinced that car had its gearbox installed upside-down or something equally dumb, because no one could drive that thing easily. That's no one. And I, who was not totally familiar with standard transmissions at the time had an especially "fun" time with it. So I wasn't exactly pleased that RB was too drunk to drive - not that I'd have been pleased about him driving anyway since he didn't have his licence in the first place, but there you are. My car was at my mothers for the winter since I had had no intention of driving in the snow that year.

Anyway, we say our goodbyes and are out the door and into the parking lot. Both Ryans are on the balcony, one of them - in that drunk 'I'm invincible stage' - is hanging off the balcony railing like some kind of monkey. I tell him to get his ass back inside, which is why I do not realise at first that it's RB's car that's pulling out of its space.

I stop in my tracks as the little grey hatchback backs out of the spot, and, rather jerkily, slams its bumper into the fender of RJ's beater. Someone behind me swears. I just stare for a few seconds as the guy in the driver's seat changes gears - I can hear the familiar grind the car makes as he does so and he starts to drive it up the drive way. The car resists, bunny-hopping towards me and I start to walk beside it, my hands balled into fists. The driver has his window partway down and I yell at him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" but he ignores me. I cannot explain how the situation infuriated me but I think it was pretty obvious to him when I grabbed the door handle and pulled the door open. "Get the fuck out of the car asshole!" I remember shouting at him and I reached inside for him. I don't know what the hell I was thinking and this was not the smartest move I could have made, but I was furious. Absolutely fucking furious. I'm sure he thought I rabid or something and I hate to think what I looked like reaching in like that. Not my normal sweet self that's for damn sure. He didn't have his seatbelt on, which was good for him, because he bolted. The guy in the passenger seat wasn't very far behind. I've never seen someone scramble so fast to get away from me and I was very tempted to run after him, but the dangling Ryan had already leapt from the second-story balcony and vanished after the fleeing forms. The car started rolling backwards so I leaned in to pull the e-brake. That was when I realised there was a third guy, and he'd been stupid enough to put his seatbelt on. The ones in the back seat had a tendency to stick and he was fighting to get it off.

"You better hope you run faster than I do," I told him (or something to that affect, the diary's not all that legible) - and when I said those words I meant every one - as he finally got it loose and spilled out the door. I'm pretty sure he face-planted on the other side of the hedge, but I didn't follow, I'd cooled off enough by then to realise I wasn't in a position to beat the snot out of them like I'd just felt the urge to. Besides, they still had the other Ryan to deal with. That thought still kinda makes me smile.

By then, everyone was outside asking how we were. RB, still up near the door just stood there, shock on his face. I think it was Ian that snapped him out of it, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and shaking him a bit. I, understandably, was shaking with adrenaline. RJ was the one that came down and wrapped his arms around me and I remember crying and trying not to and giving myself a bad case of the hiccups. I do not remember the drive home, only that it was done in silence.