I love how my body delights in telling me I'm stressed out. Yesterday it was the shoulders, today it's the tummy. And yes, I ate breakfast. I've not starved the poor thing. At least not today.
Someone woke me up this morning by trying (again) to open my front door. I swear that is getting very, very old. Next time I'm just getting up, as is, and whipping the door open and screaming in their face, and then closing it again. Maybe the shock will make them remember that it's the wrong one. All I have to say is thank god J actually locked the thing when he left this am. Stupid addicts.
J decided that he was going to make some chicken broth/soup with the two chicken carcasses we had leftover from the roasters we got with groceries. He's keen about the whole 'lets save money by butchering our own meat' thing these days. Anyway, he got it cooking last night while I was sitting staring dumbly at my monitor and venting in text. He did ask at one point what kind of veggies he should put in and so I said 'celery and carrots and things' and even went in to help choose the herbs but I didn't clue until this morning when he told my groggy self could I please take the bones out of the pot that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to put the veggies in last night. I can tell you now it definitely wasn't. So I took everything out. Now I don't know if I have the patience to go through all the boiled-to-death veggies and such to dig out all the microscopic bones. 0.o
My deck is warm. The sun has warmed up my pillow. I have ginger ale and a good book. I might be back later.
listening to: Zero 7 - Pageant of the Bizarre eating: soda crackers reading: White Stone: The Alice Poems - Stephanie Bolster Flesh and Spirit - Carol Berg Escaping Toxic Guilt - Susan Carrell feeling: ugh headspace: still hunting through rubble
It's late afternoon in this dream. The day has been quite hot, so the rocks we're sitting on are still warm. The maple trees are in full green, and their flowers are almost done, dropping all over the beach, as are the Arbutus. The peeling trunks and the mottled ones lean over us where we lean together, waving their leaves at the sky that's changing colours from blue to red-purple. The water reflects the sinking sun as it moves through the bay, lapping and sucking at the rocks we're perched on. My feet are in the water and I watch as the crabs forage at the edges of my feet for whatever particles thy find interesting there. A bullhead lurks in a small depression he's made in the shell-sand that's collected in this little pocket. Two starfish struggle in slow motion for the edible insides of an oyster smashed earlier by I-don't-know-what. The wind is warm on my bare flesh and I watch the golden hairs on your arms ripple in its caress. There are no other sounds than the breeze and the water and we are lulled by it. In the branches above us, a Kingfisher cries once and then takes flight.
So I opened up my daily tarot email today to find that my card for the day was 'judgement'. So, out of curiosity, I pulled out one of my decks and pulled a random three card spread. Surprise:
Two of Swords: A tight reign over emotions, feeling deadlocked or suspended, stalemate, paradox, indecision, feeling overwhelmed by toomany factors, supressed, perfectly balanced
You are on the horns of a dilemma and cannot see clearly which path to choose. You are immobilized by indecision and do not know whether to follow your head or your heart. You may be using all your intellectual defences to avoid facing your feelings about an issue and therefore have a tight reign on them. Reversed means that there is a decision made. paired with the following card it seems to suggest just that. Considering the things I have on my plate, there seems to be no choice in the matter of making a choice, lol.
Judgement: resurrection, a life change, career change, an identity crisis, readjustment, transformation, transition, upheaval
The Judgement card often indicates a time of resurrection and awakening, a time when a phase or period of our life comes to an absolute end, making way for dynamic new beginnings. It requires the acceptance of inevitable change. Often, this heralds violent upheavals or difficult life-changes.
It is important when this card appears to remind yourself not to judge yourself too harshly, and to look ahead to the new paths the coming changes will open up.
The Moon: Intuition, a time to be passive and receptive, strong emotions, psychic awareness, bewilderment, an oceanic feeling, change, mystery, creative potential
This card warns against self-deception and suggests a period of fluctuating moods and uncertainty where one must face unconscious forces. Your gut feelings may be more reliable than your logical mind. You should attend to your dreams, feelings and intuition now, and you notice how ingrained patterns from the past affect you now.
So in affect, this card, being in the 'future' position of my reading, indicates that I should be 'riding the wave' and sorting things out - reordering as it were - after I make the decisions I must make as suggested by the Judgement card.
Funny, how I instinctively know these things and spend so much time trying to logic them into manageable little boxes. Oh how useful is tarot for smashing those little boxes to bits.
It has been an interesting week. Everything seems to happen at once - the balance shifts and leaves me scrabbling for purchase.
1) There is no doubt that the Kiddo will be coming to stay with us. However, it seems that no government department can operate without miles and miles of red tape and a whole obstacle course full of hoops and one of these hoops is in the form of a sheaf of papers we have been instructed to fill out. Among these is a questionnaire full of questions about our childhoods - each with a list of multiple choice answers. I suppose these are designed to help these bored social worker people decide whether or not their applicants are decent parent material. I realized partway through that my english-major defence mechanism was on high alert as I kept complaining that most of the adjectives they were supplying for each question were ambiguous at best because experience is relative. Anyway, it got me thinking about my upbringing and my childhood. One of the questions regarded traumatic experiences and that set off my 'relativity' rant again but I settled with 'no' because I was not beaten, tortured or otherwise abused by my parents or guardians while I was growing up - at least not that I remember with much clarity - from what I recall, my mother took anything of that sort that was meant for me. (See, something that my child-self would regard as traumatic is entirely different than what an adult-self would regard as traumatic - let alone a governmental branch who really has no idea who's hand is scratching it's ass at the best of times and really I feel like it's none of their fucking business. I know why they ask and I respect their need to know, but at the same time - grr!)
2) Our plans for moving have been put on hold - even though they were already stalled because of the bizarre state of affairs in this city - AND because of our lack of communication on the subject, I won't lie, because we've got think about this third person we've got coming to live with us.
3) Kiddo wants to bring her dog and J and I had our first argument about how things would be because I refused to be the one to end up looking after poochie - not to mention what the hell that's going to do to my poor furry children.
4) The Whirlwind has quit. There is a distinct possibility that that means I may be offered her position. I have to figure out whether the screaming I hear inside is from the shock of her abrupt departure or if it's because I really don't want her job. Where more money is a good thing, and wow won't 'supervisor' look good on the resume! I'm seriously not the kind to really give two shits about making money - which is basically what the job is. So is that a conflict of interest? Am I going to sink the ship, or what?
5) When The Whirlwind leaves, I will be left with three employees who are all returning to school come September. This means I will have to hire and train new people. I have never done this before. However, it has to happen soon because I cannot be the only one to keep that place running. But oh, oh I have so little faith in the work ethic of the masses anymore.
6) If I take the job, this definitely means putting off the MLIS. (Just when I've decided that that was something I really wanted to do, of course, thank you Murphy.)
7) If I do not take the job, chances are I will have The Dickhead from Vancouver arrive to hire and train the Whirlwind's replacement. This means two things: I won't be able to run things the way I want, and I will not be the one responsible for the big transactions, unless the new person is an asshole and passes the buck for the screwups. I sense a pro-con list coming on.
Anyway, today was rather productive. Groceries, rent, laundry, dishes, the reorganizations of the hall closet (including the hunting for and purchasing of a new shelf) and some garbage removal has been accomplished - but no meeting. One of the things that these social worker people have to do is meet with the people they're supposed to be giving the kid to, and that was supposed to happen today, but due to some poor organization on J's part that has to be moved to Tuesday - which may or may not require my presence. I wish I knew. I believe I will assume that they will require my presence.
I have a terrible caffeine headache - though I think it's being exacerbated by my current mind frame - and it's making the left side of my face throb in a most unpleasant manner. I think I'm going to go shower in an attempt to loosen the giant knots I seem to have developed in my neck and shoulders.
listening to: Banco de Gaia - How Much Reality Can You Take? eating: Brie and crackers, Chicken Caesar salad reading: The Cinnamon Peeler - Michael Ondaatje find of the day: Inferno (Dante Alighieri) phrase of the day: 'oh sod it' feeling: fukkity fukkity fuck fuck headspace: there's been a cave-in
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions had an echo In so much space
And when you're out there Without care, Yeah, I was out of touch But it wasn't because I didn't know enough I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Possibly [radio version] probably [album version]
And I hope that you are having the time of your life But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are, Ha ha ha bless your soul You really think you're in control
Well, I think you're crazy I think you're crazy I think you're crazy Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun And it's no coincidence I've come And I can die when I'm done
Arrive first thing in the morning and wait outside for the teller to open the door. Barge in when she does so and then loudly ask for some assistance. When the teller comes to the window and smiles at you, refuse to smile back. Ask her if she takes coins. When she says, hesitantly that yes, she does, and asks you what kind, sneer and say 'Canadian ones' as though you heard her swearing. When the teller says yes, rummage in your backpack for two full minutes and then dump out the plastic bag, where you've been keeping all the Canadian coins you've found over the last seven years, into her tray. Tap your fingers and huff while she counts them.
yeah.
Forty freaking bucks in freaking quarters dimes and nickels. Just the sort of thing I wanted to start my day with thankyouveryfreakingmuch.
Last week was asshole week at work and this week I fear that it's going to be brainless twat week. Maybe that's the PMS talking but for crying out loud it's not a holiday all over the world today, and no i do not speak French. Sorry.
Hehe, I did have a scary-funny one in today though. Imagine a mid-western accent:
"You ever look a chicken right in the eye?" "Yes," I said, since my first pet was none other than Sweet Pea the chicken. "That's Bush right there. Exactly like 'im. Nothing upstairs. I tell you his Dad's still pullin the strings!"
The conversation continues and this man tells us that he has "enough guns to protect [his] family from anyone!" especially since there was going to be a revolutionary war soon in the states. Really now? And what makes him think that? "Oh, I can smell it, can't you? We don't have any control over the government anymore, and that's the only way it's going to go if things don't turn soon." The Whirlwind then asks what he thinks of the election, because you know: gun-toting loony, this might be fun! "Oh," he says. "There's no one in the top spots now fit for office, they don't care about the things that most people care about! Only one's good for the White House is John Paul. Now he's the one got his head on straight. Only beef anyone has with him is the pro-life stuff, but other than that he's got the right ideas."
First off, the idea that guns are the only thing he can use to protect his family just makes me shake my head. How very typical it seems. I just had a vision of this big square man in his wife-beater and an ammo vest perched on the roof of his house with a case of beer, a couple of shotguns and/or a rifle of some kind, scanning the road with his binoculars, looking for a reason to shoot someone. And this talk of a revolutionary war? He's talking an armed overthrow of the government here ladies and germs. Given the mass paranoia involved with the 'war on terror' and such, something like that would have to be an inside job. Does he know something we don't or is that wishful thinking on his part? *ponders* Now... John Paul? Much funnier to me to think he meant the pope, but I'm pretty sure he meant this guy. But the kicker?
"I just love it up here. I think if things turn ugly, which they will, mark me, I'm going to bring my family here!"
Oh goody. Come gun-toting loonies, we'd love to have you in our back yards!
listening to: Amethystium - Ad Astra eating: thing with noodles and red pasta sauce.... spaghetti, that's it. reading: Flesh and Spirit - Carol Berg feeling: bloated, tired, crampy, hot, cold, grr... headspace: Palus Somnii word of the day: daft
I read lots today. Didn't really have all that much energy even though the sun was out in full force. Sat outside long enough to give myself the tiniest sunburn.
I finished off Kage Baker's 'Mendoza in Hollywood', which, true to form was very good. I also reread 'Taming the Tiger Within' by Thich Nhat Hanh, which always gives me something to think about. Also I poked through the 17th 'The Years Best Fantasy and Horror' Anthology of Ellen Datlow and Terri Windling fame, which I got for 6 bucks a couple of weeks ago. (bad! and here I said I wasn't going to buy any books. But it was such a deal, 6 where the thing is usually 30? How could and self-respecting book addict pass that up? hrm?) I had to put that down though after one of the stories made me cry. (It's called 'At the Mouth of the River of Bees' by Kij Johnson.)
Then I tried to go back to 'Across the Face of the World' by Russel Kirkpatrick, but I couldn't get past my disappointment in the preachiness of the last two chapters. If I wanted preachiness I'd go and read the Narnia series again. I can't quite yet suspend my annoyance to read the rest of the book. But I will read it. I can't not, I want to know what happens to Leith. Right now he's a detestable character, for the simple fact that he's quite self-absorbed. I'm curious to see how Mr. Kirkpatrick redeems him for his audience. Also, by chapter ten there are already 9 characters travelling together, and they're starting to blur together. If it were me I'd hack at least 3 of them out because they seem to be parts of other characters. I want to see if they have important roles to play or not. Having that many critters is hard - even Tolkien had a tough time now and then - and he certainly didn't dump them all on us in the first ten chapters. Anyway. I reserve final judgement until after I've finished the thing.
Instead I picked up 'Flesh and Spirit' by Carol Berg. I read her 'Song of the Beast' in a single sitting, and so far I have high hopes for this one since it seems to have the same kind of readability as her last. Besides, it's one of those large paperbacks, like books that should have been hardcover, but aren't that I've been wanting to read for a bit. Is it odd to crave a certain kind of book in your hands? The weight of the paper, the way it falls open over your hands? If it is, I guess I'm odd. =P
Now, I don't suppose anyone can recommend a book that's a standalone novel, could they? Everything I seem to pick up these days is part of a series.
listening to: the Chauffer - Kirsty Hawkshaw feeling: more tired than I should be eating: sushi word count: just this
Things to add to the list of things I won't tell my mother:
We had to call the cops on the people who live across the hall, because some girl was out in the hallway screaming and slamming her hands in their door about giving her her money back. Tonight I almost did it again because whoever it was inside was having what sounded like a fairly violent fight just inside the door with the guy growling "shut-up bitch" like a rabid dog. It stopped so fast it was hardly even worth the walk back to the phone, but still, the guy is not making himself well-liked in my books. I've seen him a couple of times when I've been doing laundry and he gave me the creeps then. The Landlady seems to think he's a dealer of some kind and judging from the past two days I'd really not be surprised if she was right.
Methinks I will do my best to avoid said a-hole until he can be evicted or some other accommodation is found for me, J and the cats.
In terms of housework, I've had a wildly unproductive day.
However, in a fit of writers block I decided to drag out some of my old fiction to see if I couldn't get the juices flowing again. There has been a little bit of verbiage thanks to that, but more importantly, there are ideas floating around in my brain now.
I found all the stuff I wrote for my university workshops and wow, I think I've got a wee bit out of practise, if you know what I mean. I remember sitting down two days before these short stories were due in rough draft and just writing them, start to finish and not looking at them until they were up for workshop. I miss the incentive I think. I've got lazy! (Ok, depressed, anxiety-ridden and lazy, but lazy just the same. Hey, the sun is shining, get your butt in gear girl!) So. I'm hoping that in the next little while I can get back into the swing a little - or rather start a new swing. Because there really hasn't been much in the way of routine for writing recently. Actually there's not been much in the way of routine at all recently and I think that might be part of my problem.
Back to the reams of fiction I've been sitting on for years: another of my pet sci-fi stories has come back to light and I've been having fun sinking my teeth into it. I may change my main character's name, as the one she has right now is quite the mouthful, but then I might not, since she is quite... exotic, you might say. Here's some of what I scribbled today:
"Don't try and defend yourself. I've got a pretty clear idea what my kind is worth up here and it really isn't a hell of a lot." She snarled and stabbed one clawed finger at him in an effort not to bare her teeth. "If you're not going to help me then I guess I'd better get off this chair and find someone who can," she got up, knocking the chair over as she did so, her tail lashing about her legs. Luke didn't move.
"You're not even likely to find anyone who'd talk to you out there, let alone help you. You do realise this." She glared at him with her yellow eyes, hating him for being right. Hating him because he was normal, because he held all the cards in the deck.
In other news, as you can see, I've been playing with my page. Have I mentioned that I love fractals? I was playing with the new banner picture, but I'm having issues getting it to look like how I see it in my head, so that's not going up yet. Oh, and does anyone have any idea why the 'alt' command is not working with my html? Or does it work for you and my computer is just a retard?
listening to: Schiller - Fallen eating: something pasta-y drinking: iced tea word count: 658 word of the day: heterozygous feeling: more relaxed headspace: 600 years in the future
This young couple with a baby changed some US dollars into Canadian. So Miss E. counts out the Canadian amount and when they nod she pushes it through to them where they poke at it and move it about as though they're not quite sure what to do with it when the man asks:
"Do you have a list?" "A list?" Miss E. asks. "A list, yeah," he says. "What kind of list?" "Well with what these are worth on it," "You mean the Canadian?" "Yeah, so you know how much each bill is," "You mean how much they're worth in US?" "Yeah, so that when you pay for stuff you can figure out how much to give" he says. Miss. E. is looking pretty confused by now, and to be honest so am I. Then I clue in. "Well, you know all the prices are marked in Canadian here," I said and I saw the light go on in his head. "Oh!" says "Yeah, so if it says five dollars you use the one that has the five on it. No need for a list at all. Easy," I say. "Oooh, ok. That is easy, thanks!" and they gather up their money and leave.
listening to: sirens... again eating: corn on the cob reading: dust bunnies feeling: tired headspace: I'll show you dust bunnies
There is a full moon, so the crazies are out in full force. Remind me to tell you a story about the ones I had today when I'm not so... whoohoo... *crosses eyes*
My feet hurt.
It was so windy today that I had to hold my skirt when I walked for fear of flashing the world.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. Surprise. Here are some half-formed rantings. Read no further if you're not in the mood for rantings.
To be honest I've not been feeling all that good about things - or myself for some time, which is something that I've had trouble with for the simple fact that I had myself convinced that I was a confident individual. Took me a bit to realize that confident and self-confident are two separate things. I was taught that self-praise was vulgar. By association self-affirmation falls into the same category, which makes it hard for me to do. This realization may have been half the battle.
Also, about depression, because I feel sometimes like I'm studying the bottom of the barrel, if you know what I mean. Usually I can think myself out of it or pretend it's not there long enough that it retreats elsewhere, but it's there, this strange little black beast. Whether it's depression or anxiety or whatever else I'm not sure, I just know that it can totally throw off my ability to think and/or function like a normal human being for a while. That's when I make mistakes or completely phase right out of reality for a few minutes.
I do believe that there are more than chemical reasons for depression - hell look at our society, if that's not perpetuating the trend I don't know what is. Think about it: the general apathy and selfishness that seems prevalent in our mainstream, in the media and even in our back yard, is not exactly a spiritually nourishing atmosphere, is it? Everyone seems disconnected and lonely. People need human interaction - that means verbally and physically, and it seems a shame that the common means is now electronic. And no one seems to give two shits about their neighbours anymore. I think the average person is missing a sense of community for the simple fact that "community" has expanded to the point of "too big" and therefor is overwhelming. Maybe I'm projecting a little because yes, I do miss my little street full of its eccentric neighbours. I knew them all, I looked after their houses, their gardens, their pets and their kids while they were all away. That would simply not happen here. I've tried. Everyone here is too suspicious, too prepared to believe that there are ulterior motives involved when I act friendly. I suppose, sadly, that this is truly the case for many, but again this is not something that contributes to the general sanity of the world.
/rant
Anyway, the bottom line is, is that I'm not a stranger to the little black beast. Right now I think it has more to do with the brick walls I'm metaphorically slamming myself into these days, that it's become what it has - nothing is as bad as 2001, thankfully. What it means is that I have to just get going on something, focus on one spot and then work through the rest as it comes. It's finding the solid piece of ground to focus from that's been a bit of a challenge.
This weekend was good for me, I think in that respect.
listening to: Purify - Balligomingo eating: nada reading: Gods behaving Badly - Marie Phillips watching: Heroes 1X4 - Collision word of the day: euphoria word count: this is it project(s) of the day: dishes, laundry, etc.
And I did, in fact, wear pants. In a panic on Friday night I hauled out the pile of clothes I'd dubbed too-skinny-to-wear about 6 months ago and tried them all on. Granted some of them will never fit and went into a newly designated Sally-Ann box but I found one that didn't turn my butt into warring hippos under a blanket. I exaggerate, but hey.
I met the Amazing Lindsie (from here on in referred to as AL - but only because it's more fun to say than SL, which is what Super Lindsie would produce.) on the bus at just after 7am. We had a breakfast of apples and granola bars in the ferry terminal and spent the ferry trip playing hide and seek with the sun. The Sun kept winning and I for one, am not complaining. It was a beautiful weekend - still is. The sun is delicious and not an hour ago I ventured outside in... you'll never guess! SHORTS! and a TANK TOP! Omg, you heard me right. Oh, and I wasn't cold AT ALL. Hoorah!
The first day we dropped out backpacks at the hotel and explored Robson street and surrounds, ostensibly so that I could buy some more PANTS, but I did not have much success, though I found a dress in Esprit that I /drooled on. AL bought some yummy linen short pants. We ate lunch in a pub that was under the Central Library where I ate a hamburger that cured my hamburger craving for the next six months. And that is no mean feat imo. We then procured some groceries for our dinner and then decided on a movie for the evening's entertainment. We went and saw Narnia: Prince Caspian.
Next day we bussed all the way out to UBC and we found the MLIS building, poked around in the libraries, one of which was so hot I nearly died. (Again, I exaggerate, but still, I felt like my eyeballs were going to shrivel up if I spent much longer in there. Much like how this apartment feels atm... phew). And then we decided to check out Daiso. OMFG. The Whirlwind did say that there was everything there, and I didn't believe her. I should have. There was everything, and every last thing was 2$. I kid you not. I uh... spent a few bucks there. >.> But, it was stuff I needed. (Yes. I did need new notebooks thankyouverymuch. I always do!) Anyway, we lunched at an ABC, which I doubt I will repeat, then we went back to our hotel and napped, ate our groceries and watched 'Fun with Dick and Jane' before we konked out.
Today we took our time getting ready and left by nine. I got home at about quarter after one, which is nice. I'm almost done my laundry. AND I have my pants back. I also felt a little adventurous with the cooking and I've managed - I think - to make this alfredo sauce from scratch. Yum.
Anyway, I have a good feeling about UBC. It's a pretty campus and I think the bit of exploring we did has helped me get oriented enough that if/when I finally go I won't get totally freaked out. My logical brain and my emotional one are having an arm wrestle about it - and a few other things right now, but since I'm sure no one really wants to read about my woe-is-me-ing, I'll skip that part.
Oh and omg the people. I forget that because Van is so much larger there are so many more people, all with somewhere to go. And sometimes in a freaking hurry I can't help but be appreciative of the amount of work that has gone into the transit system there. Bus, skytrain and seabus all shuttling people to and fro, bikes and cars whizzing all over the place and there was no way I'd cross a road without a crosswalk the way I do here. Most of the women I saw that were around my age needed to eat one of those hamburgers I ate on Friday - and not regurgitate it afterwards. I've never seen so many skinny little things in my life. I felt like I could break them like twigs. Either the city was sucking the life out of them or they actually wanted to look that rail-thin. Or gaunt, or skeletal in some cases. *shivers* Ok, granted once upon a time I was that thin, but I know I wasn't eating like I should and now that I've gained a whole tonne and then lost enough to finally be happy with my figure (hello curves) I think I'm right in saying that unless they have amazing metabolisms, there's something going on. Eat something! Either that or stop stressing it all down the drain.
I saw a sign as we were entering downtown that said "Stand for nothing, fall for anything." Hehehe!
listening to: The Crystal Method - High and Low drinking: iced tea, with lots of ice eating: chicken fettucini alfredo reading: Mendoza in Hollywood - Kage Baker word count: you're looking at it word of the day: ephemeral feeling: half-lucid headspace: somewhere between
Since my initial outpouring of words on Friday I've not had a single one come since. Not a one. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut about it, but here I've gone and jinxed myself. Or maybe it's just that my head is full of complete crap. (Ok, not worthless crap, just I-don't-really-want-to-deal type crap, you know what I mean?) Among this mass of crap that seems to be floating around in my head; not the least of which involves what to do now that we may or may not have to change our living arrangements, unsolicited, yet well-meaning advice and yet more not-so-wonderful news, I've been thinking about le novel, as it's referred to on my desktop folder.
I've been trying to force the thing into shape and I think that's why I've dried up about it. My ability to visualize has been eclipsed by the desire to make the thing actually work – you know, the mechanics of the thing: what comes first and what works better as a flashback and how to get from point a to point b. So in my melancholy blank-page-staring state at some point yesterday I decided I might just scrap the thing until further notice. I really want to get something done so that I can work on the whole publishing thing, but forcing it isn't going to make it happen - at least not this one since I'm coming at it backwards. At least it feels backwards at this point. Which means starting something new - or in Monty Python terms: now for something completely different! Of course I have no idea what that completely different thing might be, but there you are. I just have to stop forcing structure on something when it's not ready for it.
Gee, there's no fucking parallels there, are there? Cripes.
Right now, I want to be on my beach, sitting on the Name Tree and listening to the waves, the rain hissing into the water and the occasional Kingfisher until it gets almost too dark to see.
listening to: Holding On - Ferry Corsten eating: eggs benny word count: you're looking at it project of the day: trip planning word of the day: threnody feeling: full headspace: cottonballs
I feel like the bricks in the dam have started to crumble - at least in terms of writing. I've written a good couple of pages now, between cake-baking and various other birthday-related fun. It was a small torrent of words, but it felt good to just let them come, one after another onto the page. Of course, there are still random stones in the river that seem to have blocked up the opening again, but damn, the rush was fantastic.
Some of these bricks seems to be in the form of a 15 yr old who could end up here... I know I've said this before, but child services weren't involved last time. As you can imagine I'm feeling a little blindsided by the development. It has been suggested that I write down all the things in my head to just get them out on paper, try and make sense of them. I get things out and then stare at the paper - watch the words bleed together. The solutions are there, somewhere. *sighs*
Ok, time to sort out some travel plans for next weekend. I've gone and misplaced what I had in my overzealous hard drive cleaning earlier in the week.
listening to: Fluke - Atom Bomb eating: seafood salad word count: 1850 word of the day: relinquish quote of the day: "You seem so disconnected, But when I turn you on you're so infective" [Electric Mistress - Jamiroquai] feeling: lighter headspace: the space between
Long days this month... I didn't realize that it would be 7 by the time I got off of work – way to make me even less motivated to do dishes! *glares at the pans* Stupid things keep getting dirty! Such naughty, naughty pans.
Urgh. So there's been some kid drama with J's daughter. It sounds messy, and I'm hardly in any kind of position to give advice - or at least anything I say seems to get absorbed into some kind of vortex. He's probably right, I might not know what I'm talking about but still, you'd think an outside perspective might be helpful? I'm just going to sit over here for a bit and say nothing for now. Oh look, a book to read...
I wish I could get out of this mental hole I'm in... Oh who am I kidding, no one wants to hear me whinge, lol. I'll let you know how the kid thing turns out.
But seriously, WTF? Leave our schools out of it! I mean, we get that there are a few ostriches out there that would prefer to pretend that there is really nothing wrong with how the weather is behaving right now and that there is absolutely nothing the human race has done to damage the system at all, but you really have to keep your dirty little fingers to yourselves. Cripes! Go peddle your oil-company funded crap elsewhere thankyouverymuch.
The Way I Are - no matter how many times I hear this song I still farking love it.
Dear gawd... four highballs, two shots and the equivalent of three highballs previous... yes... totally sauced my dears and all I want to do is continue dancing.. dance, dance, dance!!
hrm... it's gonna take a bit to get rid of the ink on my wrists I think... I have a pirate mark on one and cheers! on the other.
I got up this morning and when I tried to brush my hair I couldn't. So I slouched into the living room, booked a hair appointment and went. I got the girl to chop it all off. She took off a good 11 inches or so but I tell you, my head feels so much lighter. Not to mention: sexy curls! I'm not totally sold on the way she cut the front yet, but it's still a major improvement to the little miss frumpy-locks I was sporting there. Mission accomplished!
On my way up to the mall I saw a snail on the sidewalk. (You're probably thinking something along the lines of "who the smeg cares, it's a snail, moving on!") But this is the first time in a while that I've actually see one that was actually alive and mobile which says good things about the way the weather is going. Not to mention the fact that the magnolias were blooming profusely on the road up to the mall.
'course, the whole trip would have been better if I'd not managed to bash my knee on a cement thing in the mall. Yet more evidence of my Klutziness. (Ok, ok, fine. I should stop reading and walking, I get it!)
Things that made me smile yesterday: The man who came in to buy ten Euros with which he was going to tip a waitress who was going on a trip this coming summer.
listening to: Kosheen - Face in the Crowd reading: Encyclopedia of Forensic Science: A compendium of detective fact and fiction - Conklin, Gardner, Shortelle Word count: nil word of the day: contusion project of the day: laundry, a birthday party feeling: slightly apathetic headspace: The Leap Islands
