Come away with me in the night Come away with me And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus Come away where they can't tempt us With their lies
I want to walk with you On a cloudy day In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high So won't you try to come
Come away with me and we'll kiss On a mountaintop Come away with me And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof While I'm safe there in your arms So all I ask is for you To come away with me in the night Come away with me
I had lunch with the lovely Lindsie today. We did not go to the park to watch cricket, wear hats and talk in accents as was originally suggested, though we might have to do that at some point just because. instead, we went to the Bard and Banker to see how it was since they'd just finished putting the place together. it looks amazing.
We both had fish and chips and a martini that went by the name of 'Fine and Dandy' that Lindsie said tasted like a Hudson Bay company blanket - warm and cozy kind of fuzzy. I agreed. It was Spiced rum, malibu and pineapple juice. Oh gods was it yummy. Might just have to try that one again!
Lindsie had leftovers, but she wouldn't let me take said leftovers as vulture bait. I think it would be awesome to have a pet vulture. I'd call it "Squeaky" or "Lulu" and it would sit on my shoulder. And I would threaten my peons with it.
"You better get that done, or I'll let Squeaky have your eyes!"
We're so normal.
listening to: Achillea - Amor Pt. 1 eating: too hot to eat drinking: ice tea weather: hot... up to 30 today reading: Freakangels word count: nada word of the day: filial feeling: angsty headspace: sauna much?
Here I've been complaining about how cold it's been and the world says 'OK!' and wham! Hello 29 degrees and hello sunburn. Eouch, I'm pink!
I really had no desire to talk to anyone today, but regardless I did speak to Penishead (yes, that is still his nickname, in spite of the fact that he's been captured by a good woman) for a good hour or so. He's getting married in November and since his fiancee is Greek... well it sounds like it's an all out traditional bash. I just hope I can have things organized enough here to allow my to go to Calgary for it. Because yeah, even though he is a Penishead, he's always been there for me and I wouldn't miss such an important occasion for the world.
In spite of my desire to mince communication I was glad I got to talk to him, because I'd seen the pictured on facebook of R and T's wedding and I wanted to ask how it went. And yes, I was a little sad I'd not even known they were having an actual wedding beyond their private ceremony a couple of years ago. It just demonstrated to me how out of the loop I am these days.
My own fault. Too caught up in my own piles of crap. Working on that though...
However, I've had (most of) this day to myself, which is something I needed. I think I need more than just 8 hours, but as it seems that's all I'm going to get for a while I made the most of it. On the outside it may look like I'm doing nothing, but that is far from the truth. You see, my brain has returned. At least partially. We're still not on the best of terms, but it's not telling me I'm useless for the time being. So.
I have been thinking about the senses, and sensuality. For years I've read descriptions of the Taurean nature and skipped over the word as a given, but I was thinking about how much pleasure I get out of the little things. For example, the flavour of fresh strawberries fresh off the vine is enough to send me into raptures of the taste buds. Most people agree there's nothing quite like it, but I could probably sit for ten minutes just tasting the damn berry. I swear a drink tastes different if you pour it over the ice rather than plop the ice in afterwards. White rice needs nothing but some butter and salt. I could listen to the same track repeatedly and get something new out of it every time. A single line of poetry, or a well-placed word can give me shivers. Floating in fresh water is entirely different than floating in salt.
I think this is part of the reason I do not do so well in high-speed environments. (And perhaps also why it takes me a longer time than others to adapt to change.) I like to take everything in, to notice, to savour everything. I'm not a sensation seeker in the normal sense - meaning I don't go out of my way to find new sensations simply for the sake of the experience, but I think it's an apt description for the simple fact that I get so much out of them - at least if I can stop and take it in.
Kind of a random topic, I know, but I was thinking how much I enjoyed the breeze on my skin and in my hair in this heat - so much so that I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and closed my eyes to take the whole sensation in. Weird? Probably. Do I care. Hells no.
Anyway. Poetry.
*headrush*
listening to: Balligomingo - Lust drinking: iced tea word count: 413 word of the day: kinaesthetic reading: H.P Lovecraft feeling: melted headspace: sirenum fossae
Grrr. You know, sometimes people piss me off more than usual. This weekend seems to be one of them. My interior monologue (heh... I almost left it saying 'dialogue') is really quite nasty right now.
Dear people who come to the front door at 3am with their very drunk friends. When you realize that you've locked yourself out, do not think it's a good idea to buzz random people in the off chance that someone will believe you actually belong in this building and let you in. Do not throw a hissy fit when no one complies and for god's sake, take your screaming matches elsewhere. Do not try to force the door, or slam your weaselly little body into it on the off chance it'll pop open. Of course I'm going to come out on the deck and tell you to shut the fuck up and/or DIAF. Did you enjoy watching me talk to the cops? I certainly hope so, because I certainly did. However, I did not enjoy the occasion that prompted me to do so in the first place. Should I see your sober face anywhere in public I shall smile sweetly knowing that you and your little pissant friends spent a night in the drunk tank. I hope you got to be someone's bitch. Oh, and just fyi, the world does not revolve around you.
Bummer, eh? /rant
Woke up late this morning and was in a cranky mood (hrm, wonder why), so I really accomplished almost nothing save the removal of garbage and the cleaning of a toilet So I'm feeling crankier because I was such a lazy bones, but then I feel like i end up doing ... *breathes in* You know it's the same old shit. Again. I fucking hate pms when I'm already feeling like dirt, because it really does nothing to improve the situation, it my mental state.
I'm going back to my book. It's safer for everyone.
listening to: R.O.D theme song watching: R.O.D 21 - Dream or Die reading: Breath and Bone - Carol Berg eating: guacamole craving: a foot rub weather: muggy word count: nada word of the day: flagrant feeling: PMS-y headspace: Jinbo-Cho
You may be coming up to a rather significant turning point, yet you still want to believe that you can keep things going just as they are. The fact is that something has to change now; you have been able to manage the tension up to this point, but your emotions are becoming too intense to contain. Embracing the unknown instead of resisting it will make life easier for all involved
Not that it totally sucked ass, which some days do, but this one was definitely not one that ranks anywhere near the top of the good-o-meter. Dear gawd that was lame. But then, that god-awful sentence just proves to the masses that my brain has up and fled the confines of my skull for finer, greener pastures.
And that just proves to me that I have failed to instill in said brain the importance of taking it's maladjusted body with it to those greener pastures. We shall be having words if it ever decides to return.
Anyway. Things got done despite the general malaise that seemed to settle on me the moment I dared crack my eyes open to see what kind of evil time my body had decided to wake me up at. Large green numbers blaring a whole string of fours didn't do much to impress me. Especially since there didn't seem to be any way to force myself to drift back into the lovely embrace of sleep for even twenty more minutes. Oh no, intervals of ten, or eight seemed to be the maximum until my alarm started to blare out obnoxious radio-host lingo.
I should have known when I bashed my knee on the bathroom cupboard that it was going to be one of those uncoordinated hey-what-the-hell-was-I-just-doing-? kind of days. Phone calls ranged from the "dammit" variety to the "what-in-the-hell?" kind. I kid you not I had someone ask me today what kind of girls we had available. *Blinks* Not to mention three ear-faxes. Oh you know what I mean by that! And then I stapled my thumb to the printouts this afternoon. (I'm just glad I didn't slam my foot in the safe or bash my head on something - the headache I garnered from the incessant drilling/jackhammering/pinging/sawing/thumping and other vibrations next door would not have found that at all pleasant.) I blame the waxing moon and my inner clockwork. They're misaligned this month. Yes. That's it.
And you have no fucking idea how badly I'm craving fish and chips right now.
listening to: Poison - the Prodigy weather: sunny, but not quite hot eating: waiting on the fish and chips reading: Breath and Bone - Carol Berg word of the day: malaise feeling: muzzy headspace: space? what the hell is that?
Someone suggested that I just write whatever came to mind, you know, a stream of consciousness thing, in order to get all the crap out of my head. Maybe loosen up the writing muscles. So I did. I really didn't expect 4 pages of crap in 11pt font, but there you go. I seem to have a lot in my brain... surprise, surprise.
After that I went for a walk to the beach. Lovely, lovely beach with the sun on the water, the smell of salt in my nose - gods it felt good. I lay down on one of the beached logs, closed my eyes and just listened for a while. The rush and hiss of the waves sucking at rocks, shaping the ridges of sand and tossing seaweed and flotsam up across the tide line. Endless. Relentless. Persistent. What stone can withstand water?
I'm slightly sunburned now, but I feel better. On my way back I happened on a garage sale where they were selling books for 25 cents. A dollar seventy-five later and I have the collected works of Allen Ginsberg 1947-1980, a medical dictionary of sorts, a selection of writings of Lucretius in hardcover, a copy of The Life of Pi by Yan Martel and three James Bond novels by the infamous Ian Fleming. They are 2-4 in the series but I could not resist, having seen all the movies repeatedly. Not bad for less than 2 dollars, I don't think. I'm most excited about the Ginsberg since I've wanted a copy of the entirety of 'Howl' for some time that wasn't e-text. And here it is - among all sorts of other gems the man produced, as crass as some of them are. Crass, I say that like it's a bad thing. The man was breaking the rules of poetry and I can't help admiring him for that.
Now I just have to find a decent copy of e.e. cummings and William Blake, among others.
Going to attempt some more writing perhaps... unless the phone rings again. *argh* I just wish I could remember where on earth I put the scribbles and notes for Dragonbreed. I suppose I had better ask St. Anthony for a hand, eh? He's a sight better than Murphy all right.
listening to: Wasteland - Synaesthesia eating: tortilla chips word count: 2958 (and some of it is fiction!) word of the day: catharsis reading: Flesh and Spirit - Carol Berg (almost done!) feeling: sluggish headspace: the eagle nebula
I scribbled some when I got home and out of the shower this eve... not much, but it felt good because the creative juices have been, uh, atrophied, lately.
While my head is certainly not clearer, I do feel a bit better. The job's sunk in more or less, so barring any curve balls I think I can manage that for the time being. Of course, that just leaves the rest of my pile 'o crap to deal with.
I think there are some things I've dealt with that I'd classify as harder than this, but perhaps that has less to do with the nature of the situation than the circumstances - if you know what I mean. There is reacting to a situation and then there is instigating one. Perhaps another place where my lack of ballsy assertive behaviour could be a failure. Either way, things have to be said and I'm finding it hard to say them.
But never fear, I am nothing if not stubborn. Steadfast, persistent, determined, bullheaded, tenacious, obstinate, wilful etc. All the positive and negative connotations, I'm sure. We'll see how this bullheaded Bull gets through this one, eh?
listening to: Atom Bomb - Fluke reading: Tideline - Elizabeth Bear eating: chicken caesar salad feeling: relaxed headspace: ars poetica
I am already ready for this week to be over. The Mucky asked me today if there was anything that I was uncomfortable with and I almost blurted out "uh... the math part" but I didn't. Lol. Really, what I'm not comfortable with is the "dealing" part. Dunno if that's the stigma I have in regards to this kind of money-making. Perhaps that's just my provincial roots showing through? Or perhaps it's the fact that I am not aggressive and I get defensive rather than aggressive in turn? Ungh... much too hard to think right now.
I made a list for tomorrow. Ha. Take that brain! Stop telling me I've forgotten something. Stoppit! Heel!
Fucker.
I had a few hours of solid sleep last night. At least they are hours I do not recall and I know I did not move, so I am assuming that I slept. Have I mentioned I like sleep? I work better when I have sleep. Gawd, that sounds like a good idea right about now. You may here from me later, especially now that I have figured out how to post via email. Mwahahahaha.
No. I'm not crazy. Yet.
The term you're looking for is "eccentric".
That is all.
listening to: Collide - Ocean eating: ugh reading: Spirits in the Wires - Charles de Lint feeling: ugh headspace: feels like a cosmic game of whack-a-mole *wham*
Today was alright. Did less than I had planned on doing, but otherwise it was alright. I played some game and cleaned some - mostly to try and shut my brain up because it's not doing much in the way of being nice to me right now - nor is it feeling like being creative surprise, surprise. Stupid fucking brain.
Tomorrow is the dreaded Monday. Dreaded because it's the first official day of my new position. I have already, obsessively, made a list of things I have to do tomorrow before 9 and I don't know if that was a good idea or not. I suppose it will take me a couple of weeks to get into a bit of a routine so I don't ruin my mood with stupid shit like that. Because yeah, my mood wasn't all that bad to start with today, and there were definitely better moments, but you know - stupid brain.
On Tuesday, after I get to deal with the mucky-mucks in a conference call, the Evil Government People are supposed to come to the house. I asked J what time that was happening so that I could be here - you know, since this is not an easy thing for him at all, not to mention the fact that I am ostensibly to be filling the role of step-parent. But he told me not to worry about it. I don't know if it was just because I was bemoaning the fact that I would have to sit in the back office for an hour or so and perhaps thought I'd not get to leave early but he won't elaborate beyond "it's fine, I'll take care of it, it's my responsibility." Yes. It is and I'm glad he's taking it as that, but he can't just seem to say "no, I really don't want you to be there, this is why." Would it kill him? Maybe he thinks it'll kill me after Friday's episode? (!!) Either way, I'm tired of talking sideways at each other. Is it me or is it both of us? I really can't tell anymore.
*Growls*
Stupid brain.
listening to: Paul Oakenfold - Ready, Steady, Go eating: spaghetti today's project: cleaning word of the day: pudenda reading: The Wellspring - Sharon Olds feeling: apathetic headspace: on the caterpillar's mushroom, wishing I had a hookah
One of the things that made me feel better today was the music. I found a new streaming player - as you can see on the right there. Makes cleaning that much more fun, yes?
Is it totally wrong to just want some time to do nothing? I don't think so, especially when I feel like I have been doing nothing but things for other people all week. This job is not something I'm doing for me and I can feel it, so it's not really any wonder I want to just do nothing significant today. And if it does end up being significant - whatever it is I do, it should be just for me. This is not selfish.
But instead of just relaxing and schlepping around the internets or through the delicious pile of books next to my desk, I've cleaned. The control freak in me is taking over and I've tidied and organized and scrubbed... because the tidiness of this house is something I can control. oh well, at least it's productive.
Last night I had a bout of uncontrollable crying. I had been feeling inadequate all day - the Whirlwind made it a point to point out how I was not the best kind of person for her position - I am not cut-throat and assertive like she is. (Not to mention that my mental recall, and ability to keep on top of things has recently been compromised.) Granted she wasn't doing it to be malicious - she was pointing out that I was the mutt in a dog-eat-dog world and that there were ways to get info, help, support etc, but she was her normal blunt and acerbic self about it which never makes me feel all that great. So when I got home I was understandably not in the best of moods. J wasn't either, having fought with the Evil Government People about his daughter again. (I've decided that perhaps offering any kind of suggestions is an activity in aggravation. He obviously doesn't want them.)
Anyway, we'd been playing WoW and J'd snapped at me over something that happened in the game. So I went to bed. I didn't feel like fighting with him about something that silly, especially considering all the other crap going on right now, but I could not stop crying - said crap having caught up with me I suppose but at the time I could not articulate what the matter was.
I honestly felt like I had some great weight pressing on my chest - a weight made of negativity. It was like a litany of 'not-good-enough' 'failure' 'inadequate' running through my head and it did not want to go away - and I tell you it really didn't help when J heaved this great sigh and asked me "why do you always do this when I have to get to sleep?" forgetting that the last few nights he'd wanted me to stay up and help him raid when all I really wanted was to pass out at 6pm. So I told him it was an attack of the nerves over the job - because it is scary but he assured me I'd do fine and not to worry while I attempted to quell the little black beast. After a couple more reassurances he rolled over and fell asleep - almost instantly, damn him. I lay awake for some time thinking, before exhaustion took over.
I honestly don't think I've felt this low since 2001 and we all know why that was. I feel pretty good today though, so I'm hoping last night was merely a release of pent-up anxiety, terror and whatever-it-was. Or perhaps I'm deluding myself and I should really drag my sorry ass back to the doctor. Goody gumdrops batman.
listening to: Faster, Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold eating: tortilla chips find of day: porn for book nerds feeling: somewhere between headspace: a marshland
Jamnord: Yo, PURRRRRRRR boy Celtix: lol Verdeloth: oh baby oh baby you so do it for me Jamnord: lol about time Rhav Livindeadgrl: ok my eyes guys thats just wrong Ishtarra: Welcome to Bovine? Verdeloth: btw i'm rubbin my nipple Teacka: I have clamps if you like Jamnord: sweet i am getting the leash out for ya Verdeloth: WOOT ... wait, locking or spring loaded? Celtix: omg Ishtarra: omg your killing me Teacka: spring of course Verdeloth: hahaha Verdeloth: well crank em up and bring em here! Ishtarra: fuzzy handcuffs? Livindeadgrl: cuffs don't fit me Teacka: hmmm shall i bring the whips too? Willyb: Hey, I've got the handcuffs Ishtarra: does that mean you have the uniform? Ishtarra: I like uniforms Willyb: No, but you should Ishtarra: but i don't. There is a cheerleader outfit tho. Hey Rhav shall I lend that to jams for you? Willyb: what no leather? Ishtarra: maaayyybe Razzmatazz: Cheerleaders are only hot if they're blonde Ishtarra: lies! Verdeloth: sorry jams I only put loaded guns in my holster Verdeloth: besides your not the right caliber Jamnord: good i don't shoot blanks Teacka: lmao Playful: Ew can't forget the flight attendant outfit. Coffee, tea, or me. lol Kaknaf: it's ok jam your still a man even if its not loaded Verdeloth: well that corrects one problem but your still the wrong caliber Livindeadgrl: i really need to read all of guild chat rofl thanks jams Razzmatazz: Jamnord can only wish Ishtarra: it's safer to start at the beginning Playful: it's not safe anywhere in this conversation Ishtarra: well, erm Ishtarra: good point Verdeloth: by now jams is naked i'm rubbin my nipples he's purring ishy's crying EVERYONE is taking pictures... Verdeloth: wtf is SAFE? Razzmatazz: i told you Jamnord: not a lot at this moment Kaknaf: wow Verd you win Celtix: Rhav what are you smoke'n? Kaknaf: oh i want some Celtix: lol I can tell Jamnord: just think, he has a very detailed imagination and that scene is in his head at this very moment. Razzmatazz: I'm point blank Jamnord Verdeloth: sadly Jamnord is right...but since it was there I decided I should do something constructive with it. Willyb: Rhav I /bow to you for that one Razzmatazz: man this conversation is like walking out on the ranch, no matter what you say, walk, or do, you step in BS Ishtarra: shit happens? Razzmatazz: i just didn't figure you guys would shit so much Verdeloth: well when you're full of shit it's gotta go somewhere Ishtarra: its the diet Livindeadgirl: guild bbq! tolgees into the fire lol Ishtarra: mmm gnome-kebabs Ishtarra: and razz, I suppose it depends on whether you're talking about real shit or metaphorical shit Verdeloth: metaphorical shit ftw...you can do so much more with it ... without the mess :-) Razzmatazz: well ish, I've been sitting on my ass for the last six hours I don't think you will massage it to make it feel better Kaknaf: No but if I was raz i would let you try ish Verdeloth: wait..try what? Kaknaf: finger in the butt Livindeadgrl: i did not just read that Alagaesia: eew Verdeloth: colonoscopy? sweet Kaknaf: come on Alag don't play the goodie two shoes school girl Kaknaf: it doesn't work on mez Alagaesia: But I am! Ishtarra: oh right pff. What about me Ala? /purr Livindeadgrl: give her a few drinks and the true her will come out and play lol Verdeloth: at this particular juncture I would say you were in the wrong guild... but we love you too much Alagaesia: i'ma bring my ruler! Livindeadgrl: see it's starting again Ishtarra: oh please do! meow Jamnord: oh ruler um Celtix: omg this is getting bad Livindeadgrl: want me in the corner or at the desk? Verdeloth: *gets comfy chair and popcorn* Ishtarra: *shakes her pom poms* Genisus: HELLO WORLD! Teacka: back... wow did I ever miss something Verdeloth: /who world Alagaesia: I've got a conducting baton too.. Ishtarra: oh really? Jamnord: i have a whip Ishtarra: for Rhav's holster? Livindeadgrl: I'm a big guy get a bat lol Verdeloth: whips are for amateurs I have a Kat Teacka: I have kick-ass boots Kaknaf: afk for shower i feel too dirty right now Verdeloth: golden showers don't get you clean, just fyi
May the gods of sleep be with me - cripes I can't take anymore crazy ass weird dreams. People have been jumping off bridges like Icarus, stealing my shoes for mad scientist experiments because of somewhere I might have walked and training an elephant to sit in my grandma's living room - among other things. Just no more alien spider-ish things, ok? You hear me subconscious? I get what you're trying to tell me really, but you can stop with those. Those were just fucking creepy as all getout.
(I should really stop starting my posts with that word.)
I took the job.
I pondered it. I made the pro con list and waffled and worried and basically gave myself a stress-induced migraine, but I took it. I'd have to train, or help train my replacement anyway, so why not get paid for it?
Of course, today was a complete write-off because of said migraine and accompanying nasal hemorrhage. I did not get the things done I should have got done when I should have got them done. If that makes sense. And of course, because of that, the Whirlwind took the opportunity to tell me how crappily I was doing. That is one thing I will not miss.
Anyway. It's going to be work - but it is temporary. There are things to do still, but I think the extra income might just allow me to get ahead. (Har.)
An update on the soup adventure. After sifting out the bones and drinking in the scent of soup J decided that it needed noodles. So he went down to the store but couldn't find any noodles and so he brought home some black rice. In it went.
The soup turned purple.
Yes. Purple.
It smelled good, so I took a bowl but to this minute I can't tell you what it tasted like. I kept having to taste it to see if it was ok. I ate the whole bowl that way. So. We have learned two things from this project. One: leave the veggies out until you've taken out the bones. and Two: No black rice.
Because I think it tastes like borscht. I think.
listening to: Synaesthesia - Andromedia eating: steak reading: Flesh and Spirit - Carol Berg feeling: overwhelmed headspace: ok, now where does this go?
Restless dreams this early morning. Gee, I wonder why. Slept later than I intended and so a morning headache that's making my teeth on edge. I'd attempt to nap, but I know that will just make it worse. I think I've stuck myself back on the horns, if you know what I mean.
listening to: Kirsty Hawkshaw - Leafy lane eating: raisin bread reading: the afterlife of trees - Brian Bartlett feeling: in the need of either a) bullet to the brain or b)a crapton of painkillers headspace: there have been aftershocks
a friend of mine had just discovered that his fiancee is terminally ill and only has three months to live. In haste, he marries her. His father dies just before his honeymoon, and they stay long enough to see him properly put to rest, but he is determined to see that the last months of his new wife's life is beautiful. Before he leaves he tearfully tells me that he isn't sure he will be able to live when she is gone. At the time, I tell him I understand. When he's back in town, he's back alone and we all know that the worst has happened. I know he's in town, but I can't find him and I am filled with this dread that he will do something drastic. For some reason I'm in a card shop and I'm circling it like a shark but I can't settle. Finally someone I know comes in and she tells me she just saw him on his way home. I bolt and she looks totally bewildered. He answers the door and he looks a wreck. He says nothing but he lets me hold him. Finally he pulls me inside and he breaks down in tears.
"I was going to," he says. "But she wouldn't hear of it. I told her I wanted to be with her but she said I had a responsibility to live. But I miss her so much," he weeps. I wake up in tears.
